“‘Lo!” I rushed up and went after him. “Kay’Lo, wait! Calm down!”
He kept walkin’, his jaw tight and his eyes distant.
I grabbed his hand. “So you really gon’ ignore me like I’m the problem?”
He stopped but ain’t look at me right away. When he finally did, his eyes looked tired and hurt. “I ain’t ignorin’ you, Toni. I’m just… I’m tryna cool off.”
“This ain’t the way to do it,” I said. “If you leave right now, in the middle of all this, you gon’ make shit worse between us.”
He stared at me like he was half here and half somewhere far away. Then he hit the button on the key. The car beeped, and he pulled his hand from mine. My heart dropped as he walked down the steps, got in one of his cars, and pulled off without lookin’ back.
And I stood there feelin’ every bit of the cold distance he left behind, wonderin’ how we had gone from repairin’ everything to watchin’ him shut down on me like he didn’t know how much I loved him.
Once again, we had taken five steps forward just to take twenty back.
Kay’Lo had been gone all fuckin’ day and I ain’t gon’ lie… he had me so fucked up. I sat in the bed with my back pressed against the headboard, scrollin’ through my phone like that was gon’ make a missed call magically appear, and every time I saw his name with no new notifications my stomach twisted up even more. I kept hearin’ the way the car door slammed behind him hours ago and the longer I replayed it, the more it felt like he walked out on me, not just out the house.
It wasn’t like him either. Kay’Lo might be wild and dramatic and throwed off in his own ways, but he always made his way back to me. He always called or texted or checked in no matter how bad his mood was. Today though… there was nothing. Not a single call, text or a single “I’m cool, baby.”
That shit hit somewhere deep and ugly, and I hated that I cared so much, but I couldn’t help it. I was pregnant with his child, fightin’ a case with him, and tryna hold us together while he was unravelin’ and runnin’ from everything that scared him, so the least he could do was answer his damn phone.
I had already called Pluto earlier askin’ if she or Pressure seen him, and the way she said no so quick made my heart dip a lil’ ‘cause I could tell she was tellin’ the truth. If Kay’Lo wasn’t at their spot, that meant he wasn’t blowin’ off steam with them, which meant he was somewhere by himself, and as much as I wanted to pretend I ain’t care, that scared me more than I wanted to admit.
Hours kept movin’ and I kept fightin’ with myself in the bed ‘cause half of me felt betrayed as hell. One minute he had me feelin’ like I was the most important, most beautiful woman in the whole damn world, and then the next, I was sittin’ up questionin’ if that man even loved me or if I was just somethin’ soft to run to when he was overwhelmed. I hated that thought. I hated how fast he could make me melt and then crumble in the same breath. It made me feel stupid, and I ain’t like feelin’ stupid. Not behind no nigga—not even mine.
The other half of me kept whisperin’ shit I ain’t wanna hear, like he was just overwhelmed, that he was hurt behind what Kwame said and that he wasn’t runnin’ from me; he was runnin’ from feelin’ like a disappointment in front of his parents. That maybe he drove so far into his thoughts he couldn’t drive back out of them. And I hated that too ‘cause it reminded me how much his mind could drown him if he felt too much at once.
I folded my arms tight across my chest and stared straight ahead like I was tryna convince myself I ain’t give a damn. If he wanted to disappear, fine. I could disappear too. I could be cold and quiet and unreachable the same way he was bein’ with me.
Except… I couldn’t. I never could. And the longer I sat here pretendin’, the more that lie started fallin’ apart inside me. I spent too many nights in this damn bed missin’ his warmth while he was locked up. I spent too many days wishin’ I could hear his voice, or feel his arms around me, or even hear him go off about somethin’ stupid just so I’d know he was okay. I couldn’t turn off what I felt for him ‘cause it had sunk way too deep for that. Even when he pissed me off to the point I wanted to scream, I still wanted to touch him. I still wanted him home and I still wanted him safe.
It was midnight by the time I heard what sounded like him downstairs. My heart jumped before my mind could catch up, and when his footsteps finally hit the hallway, my heart skipped in a way that irritated me ‘cause I wanted to stay mad and solid about this shit. He walked into the room with that heavy energy he always carried after thinkin’ too much, and even though he ain’t say a word, I could tell he had been drivin’ around all day with his head spinnin’. He ain’t look angry. He looked tired. Tired of fightin’ his daddy, fightin’ himself and tired of tryna figure out how to be strong when half the time he felt lost.
He looked at me quick before lookin’ away like he ain’t know if he was allowed to approach me, and I hated how bad that hurt. I hated how bad everything hurt.
I rolled my eyes and tightened my arms across my chest. “Was you out fuckin’ with somebody?”
He stopped dead in his tracks and turned his head slow like he couldn’t believe I just asked him that. “Man, stop playin’ with me,” he said with his voice low and worn out. “Nah, I wasn’t out fuckin’ around.”
I swallowed hard ‘cause I wanted to believe him but the silence of my phone for the past ten hours kept rubbin’ across my chest like sandpaper. I ain’t say nothin’ else though. I just watched him walk into the bathroom like he was carryin’ the whole damn world on his shoulders and ain’t know where to set it down.
A few minutes later, the water started runnin’, and the sound felt like it filled up the whole room. I sat here in the dim light, fightin’ my attitude while the truth kept spillin’ out behind it. I thought about the nights I curled up alone when he was locked up. I thought about how empty the bed felt without his weight next to mine. I thought about how many times I held his pillow just so I could smell him and pretend he was home. I thought about the way my chest cracked open the second he walked out this afternoon like I was relivin’ every ache all over again.
The longer I sat, the more my anger softened into somethin’ tender and desperate, the kind of need I never liked admitin’ ‘cause I wasn’t raised to depend on nobody that heavy. But Kay’Lo wasn’t nobody; he was my husband, my baby’s father and my safe place even when he felt dangerous.
Eventually, I slid out of the bed and walked toward the bathroom ‘cause I couldn’t sit still no more.
The closer I got, the louder the water sounded, and when I stopped in front of the glass, the steam had already fogged up the door. I wiped a small circle with my hand, and there he was…Broad shoulders, and muscles movin’ under the spray. His head was bowed like the water was the only thing holdin’ him together.
Seein’ him like that made somethin’ warm and painful rise all at once. No matter how mad I thought I was, that man still did somethin’ to my soul.
Without sayin’ a word, I let my silk gown fall from my shoulders. It slid down my body and pooled around my feet,leavin’ me bare in the soft light of the bathroom. I opened the shower door slow enough for the steam to kiss my skin, and when I stepped in behind him, the warmth wrapped around me like I had walked into him instead of water.
He didn’t turn around, but I could feel him breathe different, like he knew it was me. I pressed my chest against his back, lettin’ my hands rest on his hips, and the moment my body touched his, I felt him relax into me, all that tension he carried dippin’ just a lil’.
I leaned in and kissed the back of his shoulder, then his spine, then lower, lettin’ my lips move across every place he seemed to hold his pain. And I could feel the way his breathin’ shifted, the way his body softened and the way he leaned back into me like he finally found somewhere to fall.
And for that moment, it ain’t even matter how mad I was, or how much he scared me earlier, or how long he had been gone… He was mine, and I was his. And we was right back where we always found each other—in the quiet, in the closeness and in the love we couldn’t shake even when we tried.
