I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them again, because I wasn’t going to sleep through this.
If my body was carrying something that could take me out, then I needed facts. I needed a plan, and I needed to move the way I always moved, which was quietly and on my terms.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Two weeks later…
Today was the first day of Kay’Lo’s trial and I hated that I had to stay home, ‘cause every part of me wanted to be right there beside him, even if I had to waddle into the damn courthouse like a penguin and sit down with my feet propped up. Kay’Lo had already made it clear that wasn’t happenin’, and I knew better than to argue with him when it came to my safety, especially now that I was one week away from eight months pregnant and my body was doin’ whatever the hell it wanted whenever it wanted.
I had been nestin’ so bad these last few weeks that I couldn’t even sit down and relax without findin’ somethin’ to fix.
My’Love’s nursery was already done, and it wasn’t just done like somebody threw some cute stuff in there and called it a day. Kay’Lo had painters and interior designers in our house movin’ around like we was a damn celebrity family, and I had watched them build the room into somethin’ that made my heart feel full every time I stepped in it. The colors was so us that it almost made me laugh when I thought about how a man like Kay’Lo could be so hard on the outside, but then turn around and make sure his baby girl had the prettiest space in the whole house.
The walls was painted this soft creamy beige that felt warm, and the trim and ceilin’ had this clean bright white that made the whole room look fresh. Then he let them add this deep chocolate accent wall behind the crib, and I swear it was the most Kay’Lo thing ever, ‘cause he liked his luxury dark and rich, and he liked for everything to feel expensive even if it was for a baby.
They brought in gold touches too, like the gold hardware on the dresser, the gold legs on the rockin’ chair, and a big round mirror with a thin gold frame that made the room look bigger. Then for me, they added soft blush and dusty rose through the curtains and the bedding, and I loved that ‘cause it felt like girlhood and sweetness without bein’ too pink and childish. There was a rug on the floor that was cream with lil’ hints of chocolate and rose woven through it, and it tied everything together so well that it made me smile every time I looked down.
They even had this lil’ corner set up that was my favorite part, and it was a cream chair with a matchin’ ottoman and a small side table that was dark wood with gold legs. Kay’Lo said that was for me to sit and nurse her and hold her, and he said it like he was givin’ orders, but I knew it was love. They put a soft lamp on the table that gave off a warm glow, and they hung a few framed pictures on the wall that said things like Daddy’s Girl and My’Love in simple lettering, and I kept tellin’ myself I was gonnastop goin’ in there ‘cause every time I did, I ended up rearrangin’ somethin’.
The closet was packed too, and that was mostly my fault, ‘cause I had been buyin’ baby clothes like it was my job. Kay’Lo kept actin’ like he was irritated about it, but every time a new box came to the door, he was the first one carryin’ it inside, and he always made some comment about how his daughter was about to be fresher than everybody else’s baby. I had lil’ onesies folded in stacks and tiny socks lined up, and I kept refoldin’ them like a crazy person.
That was how my day had started, with me in the nursery again, standin’ there in my robe, belly heavy, hair wrapped up, and my hands in the dresser drawer, refoldin’ the same outfits I had folded the night before. I knew it ain’t make sense, but it was like my mind couldn’t rest until everything around me looked like we was ready.
Treasure had been on me like glue these past few weeks, and I wasn’t even mad about it ‘cause she was the only thing keepin’ me from spinnin’ out for real. She wasn’t just grandma. She was my doula, and she had stepped into that role with so much care that it made me feel safe even when I was scared. She had been checkin’ my belly, remindin’ me to drink water, rubbin’ my back when my stomach tightened up, and spendin’ the night with me more than once when I had pains that made me nervous. Kay’Lo ain’t like leavin’ me alone on regular days, and now with court, he had been even worse, but he also had to face what was in front of him.
This mornin’, Treasure had slept in the guest room, and I woke up to the smell of her makin’ tea and toast like she was tryna keep the house calm on purpose. When I walked into the kitchen, she looked at me like she already knew my nerves was bad, and she ain’t ask me a bunch of questions either. Treasurehad a way of lettin’ you feel what you felt without makin’ it dramatic.
“You been in that nursery again?” she asked, her voice soft but amused.
I rolled my eyes, and smiled. “I can’t help it. Every time I walk past the room, I gotta go in there and check on my baby stuff like she already in there breathin’.”
Treasure smiled, then reached out and rubbed my belly gently. “She hear you. Babies hear everything.”
“I know,” I murmured, and that was the truth, because My’Love moved a lot more lately, like she was lettin’ me know she was in there and she was real.
Treasure poured me a cup of tea and slid it across the counter. “You’re going to eat something too.”
“I will,” I said, even though my stomach been actin’ funny all mornin’, and it wasn’t even ‘cause of pregnancy. It was ‘cause today was Kay’Lo’s trial, and my whole spirit felt like it was sittin’ on a ledge.
Kay’Lo had left early with his lawyers and the rest of the Mensah family. He kissed my forehead before he walked out, then put his hand on my belly and told My’Love he’d be back soon.
It hurt knowin’ he was about to walk into that courtroom, with everybody lookin’ at him like he was some monster, and with Echo and her family sittin’ there actin’ like they was saints. It hurt knowin’ my husband was about to be judged in front of the whole island while I sat at home in a robe, nestin’ and refoldin’ baby clothes like that was gon’ keep the world from tryna take him.
By the time the livestream was about to start, I had my laptop set up on the kitchen island and my phone propped up beside it, ‘cause I knew people was gon’ be postin’ clips too, and I ain’t wanna miss nothin’. Treasure sat across from me with her owncup of tea, and she kept her face calm, but I could tell she was tense too. That was her son in there, and even though Treasure was strong, she was still a mama.
When the feed came on, the first thing I saw was the courtroom, and my stomach turned. The room looked bigger on camera than I expected, and it had that cold feel that all courtrooms had.
Kay’Lo was seated at the defense table, and he looked like himself, calm and put together, dressed clean, his posture straight and his face unreadable. If you ain’t know him, you might think he ain’t care, but I knew better. Kay’Lo cared too much, and that’s why he kept his face like stone, ‘cause if he let his feelin’s show in there, people would try to use it against him.
I watched his lawyers lean in and speak to him, and he barely moved. He just listened and nodded. The judge sat up high like he was God, and I couldn’t stand that, ‘cause I knew how much power a judge had over somebody’s life.
They started showin’ evidence early, and I wasn’t ready for it. I thought they would talk first, do introductions, ease into it, but they went right into photos and diagrams like they wanted to shock the room on purpose. They showed the bodies on a screen, and even though they blurred some parts for the public feed, it still made me feel sick. They talked about bullet trajectory, and they had these lil’ lines drawn on the images, explainin’ where bullets entered and where they traveled, and then the prosecutor started pushin’ the point about Jaqwon bein’ shot in the back, claimin’ he was tryin’ to run.
My hands started tremblin’ as I gripped the mug in front of me, and I hated that I was watchin’ this with my baby inside of me ‘cause every time I got stressed, she moved like she was feelin’ it too.
Treasure reached across the island and touched my wrist lightly. “Toni, breathe, baby.”
“I’m breathin’,” I whispered, but I ain’t even believe myself.
