“A few hours ago I was faced with the possibility that it was already over.”
“Hey—”
“Let me finish, please.”
Specter nods.
“I realized I’ve been going through life unattached for so long because I was too scared to lose something again. It held me back, but…” I pause to blow out a breath as my eyes sting with tears. “You didn’t give me a choice. You burrowed your way in, past my defenses, past my pain, past every wall I had tokeep my heart sheltered, and before I knew it, I was exposed.”
I can tell he wants to say something from the way he purses his lips, but he keeps quiet.
“I thought it would be terrifying,” I admit. “Feeling something again.” I squeeze his hand. “And it is.” Laughing softly, I wipe my eyes. “And that’s okay. Turns out it’s better to feel something than nothing at all. When you were covered in blood and we didn’t know how bad it was, I realized that losing you would destroy me, but it was still a better outcome than never knowing you at all.”
Specter’s lips part as his cheeks flush. “Colson…”
“I fought it as hard as I could, but my heart knew better. It knew before I did that I’m safe with you. I’m safe and I don’t want to resist anymore. I, um, I went and let myself fall in love.”
“You… you love me?”
I nod, sniffing and holding back tears. “Pretty sure that’s what this all-consuming feeling is, yeah. Your love is more powerful than my fear, and I’m grateful that you were so damn bossy.”
We both laugh softly as Specter opens his arms. I lie down, careful of his wound, and let him hold me. We lie together like that for a long time, and I wonder if he’s drifted back to sleep. He needs to. I could use a few more hours too.
When he wakes up again, I’ll help him bathe, I’ll feed him, and bring him anything he needs. He worships me, but I can reciprocate. I can show my love for him through actions.
“I love you,” Specter whispers.
“Say it again, please. Every time you do, another wound heals.”
“You’re gonna get sick of hearing it, then.”
“I don’t think I could.” It’s been more than a decade since I last heard it, and never romantically.
“I love you, Colson Diego Emmerich de Sousa.”
I gasp softly. “You remember my name.”
“There isn’t anything about you I’ve forgotten or ever will.”
I kiss his cheek, gazing into his eyes. “I’m gonna love you as hard as I can.”
Specter brushes his thumb across my cheek. “I’m gonna love you back.” He exhales slowly. “Antony.”
I blink, sorting through the non sequitur. “Your name is Antony?”
“My name is Specter, but I was born Antony. Abrigo. Technically it is my legal name, but I don’t know that person anymore.”
“Why are you telling me?”
“You bared your soul to me. I wanted you to know something I never talk about. Only Shadow knows my birth name.”
“Not even the guys?”
“No. I lost Antony a long time ago and I don’t mourn him anymore, but I want you to know me better than anyone else does.”
I press a kiss to his lips. “Thank you.”
“How do you say I love you in French?”
