One sip and the liquid scorches its way down, my throat tightening in protest. My eyes sting and I cough, setting the glass down quickly. And yet, I feel closer to him somehow. I pick it up again and toss the rest of it back in one large gulp.
And then I unravel.
Curling into the corner of the couch, I cry into the silence, sobbing until my chest aches and my whole body feels hot and puffy. Sobbing for Josh. Sobbing for losing him and Cara and our baby all those years ago. Sobbing for losing him now, the weight of it all too heavy to carry. I don’t even try to hold it back. There’s no one here to see me crack open. That’s the worst part of all.
Eventually, I drag myself to my feet, my body feeling like stone. I forgo dinner and move on autopilot to my room, to Josh’s drawer. He didn’t takeeverythingand that somehow gives me hope. I take one of his T-shirts from the drawer, and it smells like him, laundry detergent and sandalwood. I press it to my face for a long moment before slipping out of my work clothes and pulling it on.
Swapping my pillow for Josh’s, I climb into bed and clutch the fabric close to me, taking comfort in his scent like a lifeline. Then, after what feels like hours of blinking into the darkness, my tears slow.
Sleep doesn’t come easily.
But eventually, it comes.
32
JOSH
“Fuck!” I curse as I slam my car door closed. I shouldn’t have walked out on Melanie, I know that, but I can’t wrap my brain around everything I’m feeling. I haven’t felt pain like this in a very long time. I haven’t let myself. I let Melanie in, knowing this relationship had the ability to break me but not fearing it actually would. Everything fell neatly into place as it did all those years ago. I should have kept my guard up, not let her in so easily. Now I don’t know what to think. Or what to do. I need some space. Time to clear my head.
I slam my fist into my steering wheel, sounding a loud honk.
“Damnit,” I mutter.
I pick up my phone, prepared to look for a hotel room. It would be costly at this time of the summer, right before Labor Day Weekend.
My phone buzzes in my hand before I can even open the search engine. Liam.
I suck in a breath, worrying he already knows about the fallout with Mel.
I tap the screen. “Hey, buddy.”
“Josh, what’s up man? I am calling to see if you want to come hang out with me and the guys over at my place?” Liam sounds jovial, which assures me that he doesn’t know anything. “If Melanie will let you out, of course.” He laughs at his own joke.
He definitely doesn’t know. I force a laugh of my own. “Actually, you called at a good time.”
“Yeah?”
“Mel and I are…taking a little bit of space,” I say it cautiously. I would never want Liam to feel as if he had to take sides and even if he did, he’d choose Melanie in a heartbeat.
“Oh, man. I’m sorry to hear that.” And he does sound genuinely sorry.
“Thanks.” I sigh and wait for him to continue.
“Well, where are you staying?” Liam asks.
“That I haven’t figured out yet. It just happened.” I rake my hand down my face, glancing at myself in the rearview mirror. I look like shit.
“Shit.” Liam sounds remorseful. “Well listen, I didn’t call anyone else yet. Just come over and have a beer with me. Whatever you need.”
“I don’t know,” I say, unsure if I want to disclose all my shortcomings to Liam.
“Come on, we go way back, man,” Liam urges. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I don’t argue. Partly because I don’t have the fortitude to argue with Liam and partly because a beer sounds really fucking good right now.
* * *
I pullupto Liam’s house a few minutes later and kill the engine. He’s already waiting for me on the porch, a beer in each hand. He stands when he sees me, then jogs down the steps, handing me a cold Corona.
