“Well, my response is, ‘She doesn’t know, relax.’ So, I’d say someone should have told me back then never to tell a girl to relax,” I tease, laughing.
“I was absolutely not relaxed,” Melanie agrees, pursing her lips.
I flip the page. “You wrote this next one,” I say, skimming it quickly. “I didn’t sleep last night. My parents hate each other, Josh. They say such horrific things to each other when they’re arguing. I don’t even know how they got to this point. I can’t even remember a time when my family was happy. It didn’t used to be like this, I know that, but it was never as happy as yours.” I pause and look at Melanie for a sign that she might be upset.
“Keep going,” she urges.
“You sure?” I ask, touching her hand that she pulled above the covers.
She nods.
I take in a shaky breath. “I wish I was part of your family, Josh. It would be so easy. We would be so happy. Instead, I worry I’ll be alone forever, caught between two parents who can’t stand to be in the same room.” My voice turns hoarse as I read. “You sure you want me to keep reading?” I ask, squeezing her hand.
Melanie nods.
I let out a sigh and continue. “Sometimes, I wish I could just run away and not look back. I would pack up all my things and make a break for it if I wouldn’t lose you in the process. I could never leave you. Thank you for being my safe place. Love, Mel.”
Melanie sniffles and I realize her eyes have filled with tears.
“Hey, we don’t have to do this,” I say gently, closing the book but keeping my index finger on the page. “It was supposed to be fun. Let’s put it aside.”
Melanie shakes her head. “I want to hear what you said back.”
“If you’re sure.” I flip the book back open and begin to read. “I’m so sorry, Strawberry Girl. One day soon, we can get out of this place together. I’ve been thinking more about Nashville. I’ve always planned to go there alone but—what if we go together? I can’t imagine not having you with me. Until then, when the world gets too loud, find me here.”
And beneath it, my scrappy hand-drawn map of all our favorite places.
God, we really were in love. The realization hits me like a freight train. I can’t lose her again.
Then
Mel-
If these summer night bonfires with Cara and Liam tell me anything, it’s that I can’t keep this a secret much longer. We’re already a foursome. We hang out with them all the time. What are you so afraid of? Singing around the fire pit last night was so much fun. You were quiet though and it’s scaring me. Is there something you aren’t saying? Aside from worrying about Cara? I can’t stop thinking about what she said about Nashville. Maybe we’re really meant to be a country duo. We could give it a real try?? As soon as I graduate. What do you think? I love you.
-J
Josh-
I’m fine, like I’ve told you for the fiftieth time. I’m not mad at you, you didn’t do anything wrong. I think I’m coming down with something. I’ve been feeling queasy off and on. That’s all it was last night, I swear. Can you please stop pressuring me now? I’ll tell Cara when I’m ready. I’d have to think about Nashville, but maybe. It’s possible, I guess. I love you too.
Mel
27
MELANIE
NOW
Islam the notebook closed and let out a sigh. Ever since Josh dug out our old notebooks when I was sick, I read them any time he isn’t around. I’m trying to build up the courage to have the conversation I don’t want to have. But when I read through them, instead of feeling empowered, I feel sick. The past should stay buried where it belongs. If I dig it up, the beautiful future we’re building now will be in jeopardy. I just don’t know if I can go on like this. Building a relationship based on lies. It doesn’t sit well with me. Either way, it’s a lose-lose.
We’re nearing the end of July, and Josh and I have both been so busy. He has picked up two nights a week playing music for the tourists. For the first couple of weeks, I’d go and watch, but as people recognized him, I grew more and more uncomfortable. He told me he wanted to lay low here but now it feels like he’s some kind of local celebrity. I’ve never been fully comfortable in the limelight, and he does it with such ease. It feels like a reminder of why we’re fooling ourselves—we could never actually be together. To top it all off, I feel as if we’ve hardly spent any meaningful time together. It’s just as well because the longer this goes on, the harder it gets to face him and the truth.
I sigh, scooping up the notebooks before Josh gets back from the store. Out of the one on top slides a letter in an envelope. It’s worn at the edges, and it’s still sealed. Nothing is written on the front exceptJoshscribbled quickly in my handwriting. A letter I never gave him and never intend to. He’s been so into reading our old letters lately, I know I have to get rid of this before he sees it. I should throw it away, but I can’t bring myself to do that either. That would erase the truth for good, and I have a lot of complicated feelings surrounding that too. I put the notebooks back in the corner cabinet of the TV stand, the place they’ve been in since I moved in.
I let myself finger the envelope for a moment longer, debating where it should go when Josh opens the front door, startling me.
“Hey,” he calls.
