“That was great, guys. Thank you,” Jim says with an infectious grin once we’re off air.
I want to be happy, but I am stunned. I rip my headset off and leave it on the table, unable to catch my breath. The back of my neck is sweating, and my breathing feels erratic.
I suck in a breath through my nose, and my chest tightens, my lungs unable to fill completely.
“Thank you, Jim.” I rise to shake his hand, picking up my guitar bag. “I’m really sorry but I have to get some air.” I excuse myself and bolt from the studio, bursting through the doors like I’ve been underwater for too long. Behind me, I hear Jim telling Josh how hot it gets in there. But the only thing echoing in my brain is Josh’s words:I’ve always loved Melanie.
18
JOSH
Ifind Melanie just outside, leaning against the sun-warmed brick building. She’s taking slow, deliberate breaths and her eyes are closed—like she’s trying to hold herself together. The sunlight catches her red hair, gilding her face in gold.
“What the hell was that?” My voice comes out sharper than I mean it to, but I step in front of her anyway, blocking her escape. “You just ran out of there.”
“I should be asking you the same thing,” Melanie retorts.
“What do you mean?” I scoff, folding my arms across my chest.
“You’ve always loved me?” Her voice cracks, sharp and too loud—like her words burned coming out. Her eyes find mine and when they do, I see that they’re glistening. “Why would you say that? Liveon the radio.” She looks away, like she is trying to force away the emotion on her face.
“Because it’s true.” My voice drops, low and rough, laced with pain. I step into her space, bracing my hand on the wall to stay steady. “Ihavealways loved you.” The words scrape my throat, and I tip her chin so her eyes find mine.
Melanie shakes her head. “You don’t even know me anymore, Josh. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. And every time I bring it up, you brush me off or change the subject.”
“So? That doesn’t change anything for me,” I protest. “I never stopped thinking about you. About us.”
Melanie sniffles then and I realize she really is on the verge of tears. “Josh, you can’t say things like this to me. The bottom line is, that was then, this is now. We’re grown adults with baggage and you’re just passing through—you don’t live here. You might be here now, but you’re astar. You’re going to go back to your life, and I’m going to go back to mine.” She meets my gaze. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I do mean them Melanie. I’ve always meant it when I say I love you.” I tilt my forehead into hers.
“If that’s true, then I want the whole truth,” she says, her voice quieter this time. “Why are youreallyback here?” She folds her arms across her chest, looking at me as if trying to see through me.
I didn’t want it to come out like this but she’s leaving me no choice. If I don’t tell her now, I risk her shutting me out for good.
“Fine,” I bite out. “You want the truth? You want the whole fucking picture?” My heart is pounding in my ears. I rake a hand through my hair as if it will stop the avalanche from coming out of me.
“A little over a year ago, I wrapped my truck around a tree. I swerved to avoid hitting akidon a bike. I wasn’t wasted—but I was over the limit to drive. I could have killed him. My license was suspended for a year, but that wasn’t the worst of it. People looked at me differently. The people I thought I could count on pulled away. I lost everything that mattered to me, everything that made sense.”
I laugh, bitter and hollow.
“My sister lost her life because some asshole decided to drive drunk and I—I became that asshole.” My throat burns. I press my fingers to my eyes, but the tears break through anyway. “I hate myself for it. Some days, it weighs so heavily on me that I can’t breathe. I thought, what the fuck am I doing with my life? And I’m here because I don’t know who I am anymore—I feellost. So, I came back to the last place I remember feeling whole. Because everything feels broken, and you’re the only thing that’s ever felt likehome.Okay? Does that satisfy you?”
I’m mid-breakdown when Melanie’s arms are around me, grounding me like a lifeline. I collapse into her, sobbing, giving into my grief and shame, completely forgetting that we’re outside the radio station in broad daylight.
“Shhh,” she whispers, stroking my back. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. Let’s get you home.”
She leads me to her car and opens my door first. I’m wiping my eyes with the base of my palm and taking deep breaths when she slides into the driver’s side.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, unable to look at her. “I was going to tell you all of that, but I just—didn’t want you to see me differently. Do you…do you hate me?”
Melanie’s face falls. “Josh,” she breathes. “Hate you?” She cups my face with both hands, like she’s afraid I’ll disappear. “God no. I love you. I havealwaysloved you.” Her words knock the wind out of me.
But as she shifts the car into gear, her eyes fixed on the road, I can’t shake the dull ache that has settled in my chest. It feels like my confession has built a wall instead of tearing one down—as if by admitting the truth, I’ve only pushed her further away. That despite everything we said, she’s slipping through my fingers. I can’t help but feel like I’ve already lost her.
* * *
Melanie goes to work,and I lay on her bed, drifting in and out of sleep. The ceiling fan hums quietly above me, stirring the warm air, but it does nothing to lull me to a deeper sleep. I should get up and rehearse. Time is wasting away. But I can’t. I’m pinned here, my body heavy with the weight of an elephant on my chest.
