Everything in me aches to be back there, taking care of business, even if I know Mike can handle it. But I’m supposed to be here with Junie, even if I’m mostly good for moving heavy objects.
“You seem distracted,” she says, digging her fork into a stack of fluffy American pancakes. A pat of butter melts into the golden brown crust as real maple syrup oozes over the sides.
It’s some of the best food I’ve ever tasted, but my stomach is in knots. There are so many things she’s going to have to give up in order to move to the island with me. A woman like Junie deserves real maple syrup. She deserves family and friends she can hug and touch, not just talk to through a phone screen.
It’s my first time outside Indonesia in years and the world is so much bigger and louder than I remember—sometimes I can’t help feeling like an ogre here to kidnap the princess and steal her from her fairytale castle.
It’s not like I’m surprised that so many people care about her, I just didn’t realize what it would feel like to be the reason she’s leaving all of it behind. Between her sister’s texts, and that dinner with her family, their disapproval is hanging over my head like a guillotine.
The more time I spend with her in her hometown, the more I know that I can’t ask this of her. She belongs here—whether she realizes it or not.
And I’m needed on the island. I’m supposed to be there with the turtles, at the dive shop, with Mike. I should be there to talk to the new donor, to sort through the applications for new interns, and to run the clean-up programs.
I never thought of my world as small or my routines as ingrained. I thought I was a free spirit, floating with the tides, but maybe I’m just comfortable there. Maybe I ran away from my life back in Aus and maybe, after all this time, I can finally admit—I’ve been a coward.
Not because I regret a single thing that came from leaving. I love the island, the turtles, I love that I met Junie. But I don’t want to be the reason she falls into the same trap. I let what happened with Naomi push me away from other people who loved me—I don’t want to become the reason that Junie does the same thing.
So I have to leave.
If I’m here, she won’t feel like she can change her mind. She’ll feel obligated to stick it out with me and she’ll ignore all the good advice of her family and friends because she feels indebted tome. After I dumped all that shit about Naomi on her, she’d never let me go willingly. She’s too kind. Too loving. I can’t live with myself if I take advantage of that sweetness, and it becomes her downfall.
So I tell her the truth—or at least enough of it to explain why I have to go.
“It’s just the dive shop.” I exhale, feeling like my chest is cracking open. I stab my scrambled eggs like they’ve done something to offend me. “Mike’s call last night really got to me. I feel like I need to be there.”
Her eyes widen and she sits up straighter. “Is everything okay? Mike? The turtles? Jimmy?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Great, really. Mike said some actor saw your posts and he wants to make a big donation. He’s scheduling some dive tours for a huge party and I just feel like I should be there. It’s just him alone with the volunteers, it’s a lot to juggle. I’ve never really been gone for more than a few days, so I feel like I’m letting everyone down.”
“Do we need to go back?” she asks, so earnestly it nearly breaks my heart.
I smile sadly, squeezing her hand. I love how small she feels in comparison. How much fire and passion and love she fits into that tiny frame.
“You have too much to do here. We’ve barely even tackled your first list.” Her face falls as if she knows what I’m going to say next. “I think I should go back. Just until everything blows over. Maybe you’ll get more done if I’m not here to distract you anyway.”
Her phone starts to vibrate, jarring us out of the moment, but she refuses to look away.
“You don’t distract me.”
I raise my eyebrows at her, making her snort when she tries to suppress her laugh.
“Okay, but I like being distracted by you.”
“I feel like I caused some extra problems for you with your ex, and your family. I’m so happy I got to come with you and see where you’re from. Thank you for asking me to be here. It really has meant the world to me.”
Her phone falls silent and then begins to buzz again.
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye? I’ll go with you. This stuff can wait. I want to help.”
She seems determined to wring my heart out like a dirty dish rag. After years of watching people leave, it feels absolutely rotten to be on the other side of it. Like a chicken, I shove a big bite of toast in my mouth and chew to buy some time.
“It’s too expensive to keep flying back and forth, June. You’ve got your loose ends here. I’ll be there, waiting for you, when you’re ready to come.”
She frowns and chews on her bottom lip, lost in thought.
“You’re sure that’s all it is?”
“I don’t know anything about storage units or selling stuff online. I feel like I’m just holding you back here. But I can make a real difference at the shop. You’ll come when you’re ready.” Why do the words feel like they’re tearing my heart apart? Do I really believe this could be the end?
