I don’t blame him for keeping his distance from me after that. We vote on the weirdest find of the day, but I can’t muster the same enthusiasm I felt earlier. Mike found a bright red propeller hat that still spins, narrowly beating out a bicycle seat with a tiger print cover.
Everyone has started to drift away from the table when Juliette reminds me about the pictures I wanted.
“Would anyone mind if I just snap a few pics? It will only take a minute.” I say, my voice coming out softer than usual, thick with shame.
I get a few group shots then sneak in some candids while everyone’s cleaning up. I avoid Steven as much as I can, pretending like I can’t feel his eyes, or the way he keeps as much distance as possible between our bodies. We could be on opposite sides of the ocean and I still wouldn’t be able to forget the heat of his skin or the bulge in his wetsuit. Does he keep a flashlight in there, or had he just been happy to see me?
“Are you sure you don’t need any more sexy ones?” Thomas winks. “I could dunk my head in this water and fling it back like that one of Steven—”
I nearly choke. That’s the last thing I need him to hear right now. He’s going to think I’m obsessed! I really messed upby showing everyone those edits—some things should just stay inside thoughts.
“I’ll definitely do more silly ones, but I think we’re good for today. I just want to highlight the hard work we’re doing and show people what sort of impact they can make as a volunteer.” I say through a tight smile, hoping I can distract him by getting him on his soapbox again.
“Mike, have you seen the GIF yet?” he asks, not taking the bait. “They’re hilarious.”
I choose that moment to slink away, finding a quiet place to rest on the bow while the boat heads back to shore. If Steven hears about the posts, it definitely isn’t going to help his opinion of me. I wouldn’t blame him if he never talked to me again. He has to know I never would’ve posted them without his permission, though.
He doesn’t actually know you at all, I remind myself.
I feel truly alone for the first time—untethered to the version of myself that exists back home. The people I’ve met here are seeing me without the story of my past shaping every interaction. It’s a fresh start. I control the narrative. Who do I want to be?
I pull my knees up to my chest and try to let the thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. The breeze kisses my skin and clears my mind. I stare out at the island that has become a little paradise, growing closer every moment. My escape. A temporary shelter from the mess that my life has become. How did I end up here, and where will I go next? I have a month to figure it out.
When we get back to the dive shop, Steven disappears. I don’t know what I want to say to him yet, anyway. Before we disperse, Mike asks if I’m interested in doing my first turtle watch.
“You might want to take a nap this afternoon. At least one of you should stay awake all night, but you can take turns, and it should be worth it. The mother turtles have been very active this week.”
“At least one of us?” I clarify.
“You or your buddy. I’ve scheduled you and Steven tonight.” I swear that asshole winks.
“Keeping the dream team alive,” I joke like the thought of being alone with Steven all night doesn’t turn my stomach sour after my embarrassing behavior. But the excitement of getting to watch a nesting sea turtle is quickly overriding any negative feelings. This is exactly what I came here to experience.
I’m a jumble of emotions; there’s no way I’ll be able to nap. I head back to the volunteer cabin to shower then take my laptop down to The Local.
I want people to see me as a hard worker, someone who gets results—not just the silly TikTok girl. No one here knows my grade point average, or how many hours of unpaid labor I’ve spent at the realty office, tweaking every detail to get it just right. Just because I like to have fun doesn’t mean that I lack depth or intelligence. I can do better than the goofy Steven edits.
My bosses, the Harpers, hadn’t been happy to hear that I was extending my trip, and even threatened to replace me. I’m not as devastated by the idea as I expected to be. I’d almost welcome it if they’d stop emailing me with URGENT subject lines about opening zip files and converting PDFs.
I’ve been putting a lot of thought into the sanctuary’s social media strategy and I feel like I’m starting to get somewhere. We’re such a small island, and a small conservatory, we don’t need to go massively viral or attract the attention of people who will never travel here. But by targeting people already visitingBali, or who post about upcoming trips to the Gilis, we can get our name out there.
We also need a way to accept donations online so that people who are inspired by our work can contribute from anywhere. I’ll have to check in with Mike about how that could work with the business model of the sanctuary and dive shop. It might be a bigger undertaking than I’m imagining or surely someone would’ve set it up already.
Desperate to distract myself from the idea of being alone with Steven later, I throw myself into my work. The turtles are what brought me here, so focusing on them seems like a safe bet. Actions speak louder than words, right?
Chapter 14
Steven
Fuck, the way she jumped on me, I wanted to throw her down on the deck and take her right there. What kind of woman just launches herself at a man in public unless she’s trying to torture him? I’ll admit it, I got spooked.
I want her, but I want her all to myself. I couldn’t look at her after that without tenting my shorts, so I hid. What can I say? It was not my finest moment, but I hadn’t expected a public performance before a private conversation.
I still have to apologize for leaving her in that hallway. She probably thinks I’m an asshole and I can’t blame her. There’s a lot I need to explain if I can find the words. She needs to know that I’m not looking for a quick shag. That is, if I haven’t completely blown it already.
At least I know why Mike seems so smug when he reminds me about Turtle Watch. He’s taking every opportunity to leave me alone with her as if physical proximity can solve whatever tension is building between us. I hope he’s right.
I want her. I can admit that now. She was amazing on today’s dive. I was worried about her inexperience and hovered more than I should have, but she took the lead and blew me away. The win was all hers; I’d been too busy staring to contribute much.
