He goes silent, all of them gaping at me nervously.
“I amnotauthorizing that, entiendes?? Officer Chevelle will surrender. He will fuckingkneel. That is theonlyoutcome, are we fucking clear on that, soldados?”
“Si,” they all mutter. “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” I grunt, barking at them on my way out of the room. “Get on your night shifts. I am not to be disturbed tonight, under any circumstances whatsoever. If you need anything, you see Kent or Yari.”
Out of the room, I’m stressed, sauntering back upstairs to get ready. I take a long shower, just standing under the stream of water. Head bowed, letting it wash over me while I consider thisposition…
I never wanted to be a fucking military captain. This isn’t what I signed up for when I accepted this island.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Dios… Jonathan.
What are we doing?
What’s the endgame here??
In the depths of my chest, I know it can only end one way… There’s no solution to this.
No peaceful surrender. No treaty signed in good faith.
One of us will have to die to end this war we’ve both started out of sheer stubbornness and a refusal to admit the truth.
The thing is, though… Power is the only thing I have left. Control is all I am. Without that…
I’m better off dead.
The way my heart is beating right now, you’d think it was trying to escape the prison of my chest.Banging on the bars, professing its innocence.
So I’ve seenmanypeople over the years. Let’s not sugarcoat it… I fucka lot.
Some might consider me a late-bloomer. I wasn’t all that interested in sex as a teen. I was more just trying to deal with the deaths of my parents, and then enacting my plan for revenge. Of course, I had a few experiences that all young people have, like losing my virginity, and dabbling in casual, sweaty hookups with miscellaneous girls. And it was fine. But I always viewed it as something recreational.
Like exercise. A strictly physical activity—with the potential to release loads of dopamine, yes. But largely physical, nonetheless.
It wasn’t until I’d taken over the cartel and established myself in a role higher than the highest of lieutenants—El Presidente, ruler of multiple territories across the globe, and holder of the control in my sullied hands—that I finally felt comfortable branching out a bit with my sexual identity.
The thing is, on the inside, I always considered myself fluid. But I was already up against daily prejudices as the leader of a major criminal enterprise in my twenties, with no blood lineage that would make me a rightful heir to the throne I was sitting on.
The last thing I needed was for them to be judging me for being gay too.
And this wasn’t just speculation on my part. I knew these men; how they thought and what they considered powerful. That macho, hetero-normative bullshit you see in so much of society, in particular crime culture. There’s very little room for even females, though I’ve certainly met women in this industry who could make any man their bitch without lifting a finger.
But a bi or pansexual cartel leader? Yea, it was unheard of.
I didn’t mind being the first—dare to be different and all—but I knew I needed to play the game. I’ve always excelled in timing, considering it one of my strong suits. So I made sure that by the time I revealed my sexuality, they were already sufficiently afraid of me, and less inclined to lean toward the incredibly offensive—not to mentioninaccurate—notion that being anything other than heterosexual makes you less capable of running an empire built on Machiavellian power.
Side-note: these close-minded old-school vatos should really do their homework, because the most powerful and nefarious empires of history all had some level of queer to them.
The point is that, while I’ve never hidden my sexuality from anyone, I’ve also never made it a point to broadcast it. And it’s while I’m wandering through the atrium and into the conservatory that I’m wondering why that is.
I know it has nothing to do with shame. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, and I’d gladly decapitate anyone who had anything to say about what gender I prefer to stick my dick in.
If anything, I think I’ve just never had a reason, or an opportunity, to showcase it…
I’ve never had a relationship. Never not once. I’ve never actuallydatedsomeone, brought them home for dinners and movies. Walked around holding hands and doing all of that corny shit that makes me a bit nauseated to evenconsiderdoing.
