I’m literally just standing, frozen, eyes wide and gaping as Rook bends to remove shackles from around the ankles of an inmate I recognize as Dascha Reznikov. Neither of them have noticed me. It’s fuckingcrazy…
I’m so invisible in this place, I’m literally standing right in front of them—okay, across the room, shielded by darkness, but still. They don’t evenseeme.
It has me momentarily wondering if I’m actually here.
Am I real…?
Or have I fallen so deep into the shadows that I’ve become one?
As soon as Dash’s chains are off, Rook leaves the cell with a hasty clunk of the large metal door, wandering back up the hall, speaking to Joy as he goes. But I can’t hear what they’re saying over how loudly the blood is rushing in my ears.
Dash rubs his eyes, visibly hard, then winces, assessing his right hand. Making a fist, then extending his fingers, as if it’s sore from hitting something. I’m amazed, and also not, that he still hasn’t noticed me. Dash is one inmate I’ve seen a lot of, simply because he’s spentsomuch time in solitary. He’s always in here, though I’m not privy to the reasons.
What Idoknow is that he talks to himself when he’s in here.A lot.
Not that I blame him. I mean, you’re trapped in a ten-by-ten with no lights, barely any food, and zero human contact. You have to pass the time somehow, and Dash does that by singing, reciting lines from TV shows he remembers, and talking to himself. It’s not the weirdest thing.
The weird thing about it is that he’s not just talking out loud when he does it, like most people would—that stream-of-consciousness type thing. He’s more…conversingwith someone else. Someone who’s also him, but not.
I’ve heard him have these aggrieved arguments with himself, mumbling things that make little sense. One time, it sounded like he was hurting himself, and I couldn’t help but peer in through the small window. He was on the small cot, arms stretched above his head as he gripped the metal bars of the bed frame, writhing and rocking around as if he were experiencing some unwanted pleasure.
Our eyes met, and he quivered out the words, “Officer… I am what you are.”
I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. Something about Dascha Reznikov just screams unpacked trauma, or undiagnosed mental illness of some kind.And it hurts my heart because he’s justsounbelievably beautiful.
It’s almost unfair, really.
Dash is the type of gorgeous that draws you to him, like a moth to the flaring flame of his beauty, despite how broken he seems.So pretty, but so sad…
I feel it. A great sorrow that lives inside of you and never leaves, no matter what you do.
At least, I know what’s responsible for mine. Orwho…
But standing in the corner of this dank prison cell in solitary confinement, bathed in shadows, while another damaged soul paces and mutters words in Russian only feet away, I’m not positive the anguish I house is allel marfil’sfault.
Because in this moment,Ifeel like Dash. Like there’s something wrong inside of me, so deep that I’ll never be able to reach it.
“Derzhi glaza otkritimi. Zakroy rot,” Dash mumbles over and over, pacing in a small circle. “I don’t want this… You know I don’t want this!”
He starts smacking himself in the face, and I step forward on instinct. Nervously, reaching out, without the slightest clue what I’m doing. He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. The kid is clearly not okay, having some kind of episode, and I’m a random stranger in his cell. He could hurt me.
But that thought fizzles out pretty damn quick. Because I don’t really fuckingcareif he hurts me, honestly.
Maybe he should. At least pain would be something real.
“Hey…” I whisper, inching closer. He’s covering his face with his hands, growling his pain into them. “It’s… okay. You’re not alone.”
I place my hand gently on his shoulder. But his face doesn’t snap in my direction. Instead, he slowly drops his hands, chin tipping up to me at a leisurely pace. When our eyes lock, I see a forest of swirling green and bronze in one thin ring around the vacuous black holes that are his pupils.
Seconds pass like minutes while we stare at one another, and for a moment, I’m overjoyed because I think I helped. I calmed him down.
Man, he truly is stunning.
Time speeds back up, however, when Dash grabs me by the throat.
Uh oh…
Gripping hard, he hauls me over to the cot by my neck and shoves me down. I crash onto my stomach, and before I can even attempt to move, he’s on his knees behind me, pinning me to the bed.
