Nikki was there with some friends.
One of them came up to me and said, “Hey, so my friend is newly single, and she’s afraid to come up to you. But she totally thinks you’re hot.”
He nodded in her direction. I looked.
She was noticeably beautiful—to people who noticed women’s beauty without it being pointed out—grinning and covering her face in embarrassment at her friend’s audacity.
My eyes slid back to the friend. I didn’t need to know anything about him to know he was gay. It was just a feeling. He had nice eyes and full lips…
Thatwas something I noticed on my own.
“I think she’s hot too,” I pushed out the words; a hard shove, I ejected them without a parachute. “I’d love to… buy her a drink.”
The friend’s eyes scanned me up and down, and in that moment, I knew he knew. We bothknew… It was soobvious, and this act wasso fucking futile.
But it didn’t matter. I forced a smile at Nikki that was so fake it smelled like fresh plastic. I turned to the bartender and ordered her a drink, and by the time it was in front of me, she was next to me.
Two hours and a hefty bar tab later, I was in her apartment. Fucking her from behind and picturing her pretty, blue-eyed friend to keep my dick hard.
I sling my arm around her waist, moving up to her back. She shifts a bit, taking my hand in hers.
“I love you…” I speak the lie into the dark, quiet room.
“I love you too,” she yawns.
And I stare, unblinking, waiting for the high to kick in, but knowing it never will.
It’s time.
It’s… happening.
We just finished our meeting with The Ivory. Velle called it literal seconds after we got back to the mansion from our purge. It had me wondering how longhe’sknown about Dascha’s arrival.
I’ve been in denial all morning. Nikki and I had breakfast in bored silence, as usual, and it was so insufferable, I actually told her I had to leave early and took a cab all the way back into Manhattan only to get back into a different car and drive back to Laguardia. Just so I could bealonefor a bit.
The entire plane ride, the whole time I was getting changed into my uniform, the drive to the prison, while we lined up and watched the Warden pace with his cellphone pressed to his ear… I was dripping with nerves, but pretending I didn’t knowwhy. Using my well-honed skills in acting like everything isfinewhen I know damn well it’s not. It hasn’t been… Since long before Dash’s arrest.
But there’s no avoiding the truth anymore. Dascha Reznikov is on his way… And I won’t be able tohideanymore.
“You alright?” Joy asks me.
I look around the big room. Everyone is gone except her, Rook, and Velle.
“Um… I don’t know,” I croak.
My vision is blurring. I force myself to look at the floor, focusing on one spot before I pass out. The words being uttered around me are echoing.
“I don’t think I can do this…” I mutter, stalking quickly out of the room.
I rush the corridors, racing toward solitary, needing to get away from everyone. Back to my dungeon where I canbreathe.
It’s fucking absurd that this hole of black mold and sorrow is the only place where I feel any sort of peace, but I think… I’m solitary confinement personified.
Alone. Within myself, I am confined.
I reach solitary row with my heart hammering, and find the nearest corner to slip around. Collapsing into the concrete, I close my eyes and focus on inhaling and exhaling before I pass out. This panicked dread is so deep, I can barely even find myself in it.
Fuck me, I can’t do this.
