If he’s not involved, then it’s just a way to make some fast cash living the lifestyle I’m already leading.
But if heis…
I gulp.
“Just remember what I said, though,” Jessa reclaims my attention while I’m mulling over something I haven’t wanted since I lost it…Venganza. “The golden rule:hushfuckinghush. Youcan’ttell Will. His lips are just as slutty as he is.”
I chuckle and nod.
She has no clue who she’s dealing with.
“I know it sounds too good to be true…” She goes suddenly serious. “And that’s because it is. There’s always a catch, and in this case, thecatchis whoever owns that mansion.”
Incessant beeping echoes, on the edge of my consciousness while I stare up at the ceiling.
I’m awake. I have been for hours.
It’s hard enough to sleep in this fucking place as it is, with all the raucous noise—the parties, bumping bass, booming laughter, hooting and hollering. And fucking. Lots offucking noise. But when you spend every moment of the bleak state of your existence contemplating what you’re even doing with it, let’s just say falling into even a few minutes of satisfying slumber is a likely goddamn story, whether it’s loud where you live or not.
Last night, into this morning, was another span of time that has since blended together with the rest. Because I’m aprisoner, just like them. Held captive by my own insecurities, self-loathing and bad fucking decisions. And therepercussionsof it all, which have kept these chains around my ankles for a decade.
After I chained myself to an addiction, but before I chained myself to somethingelseI thought would give me some relief—it didn’t, not even a little—I struck a deal with the devil. And now, as a result of that, I’m here.
On an island in the middle of the ocean.Forever…
Ignoring my alarm clock, and dreading yet another shuffling day of meaningless work that drives me toward nothing but more nothingness, andhimtoward more power.
It’s all I can do not to pick up that Glock on my nightstand and stick the barrel in my mouth…
Alright, this is getting dark.
I should get up.
Finally turning off the alarm and crawling out of bed, I use every bit of strength I can muster to get into the shower. I’m heavy all the while, permanently weighted by the way I hate myself, and my life, and everything that makes it all up.
What would it be like to behappy? To laugh and smile at things—realstuff, not just the dumbass shit that comes out of Brenner’s mouth, or the way Peters rolls his eyes any time Linetti opens his. Or Joy’s endless attempts at making me do it…
Idocare. I have feelings, they’re just… not the ones I want. They’re not going anywhere. If anything, I think I’m so overflowing with emotion, I could burst. But it all remains tucked securely inside of me.
I’m pent-up in so many ways, desperate for someone to turn this dull gray life I lead into a prism of shimmeringcolor.
Out of the shower and dressed in my uniform, I’m ready for the day. I guess…Not really.
You’d think there would be a glimmer on the horizon, because we’re on purge tonight. But that means very little to me. Purge for me doesn’t mean what it does for the others. They use it as an opportunity to break free. Not just in getting drunk and high and laid, because let’s be real, they can easily get that here. And they do, pretty much every second we’re not working—and some of the seconds we are. But it’s a change of scenery more than anything.
The chance to eat food that isn’t prepared by our chefs. No offense to Chrystine and Paolo… They’re great at what theydo. But it’s beenyears… Some variety is necessary. Going somewhere that isn’t The Ivory Mansion and seeing faces that aren’t ours—or Kent’s group of hand-picked discreetparty favors—is necessary.
Being able toleave, even for twenty-four hours, once a month, is meant to keep us from losing our marbles.
In the words of Manuel Blanco,“Take it or leave it.”
So, naturally, we take it.
Despite all of that, I’m not excited about purge tonight. In fact, I’m dreading it. Because forme, it’s not an escape at all. I’m expected to spend every moment of freedom at my home in Long Island, with my wife.
From one prison to another… to another.
These chains I’m in have no key.
