My mother was packing up and moving to LA at forty-two years of age. She’d read for a part on a new show, and they had liked her. The role was a divorced mother of an ungrateful, troubled son. I waited for the barb, but she managed to pass it by. Filming started in two weeks, but she was moving now to settle into the apartment the studio was setting up for her and to see if she needed any work done.
“Wait a minute, they’re going to assess your face?” I asked incredulously.
“No, I am. I think I’ll have a little Botox, what do you think?” She sounded like a giddy teenager, and although I was happy for her, I was also trepidatious.
“You’re beautiful, Mama,” I assured her. “Don’t let them touch your face.”
She was silent for a moment, and then I heard her laugh. “Well, anyway, I know it’s Saturday, and I wanted to catch you before you girls go out.”
I looked at the empty space beside me and felt a pang of loneliness. I missed Ava. “I’m singing, Mama,” I blurted out quickly.
I heard the pause. “In public?”
“Yeah, in a bar with my friend and his band. It’s okay, Jill checked it out when she was here,” I assured her hurriedly. “I’m good, Mama.”
“Of course you’regood,” she said, almost in reprimand, as if my saying it meant I doubted it. “Just take my advice, Mia. Don’t sleep with the drummer, but have fun.”
“I would never sleep with Sticks,” I laughed.
“Good. Remember, babies ruin careers,” she advised, and I wondered if at any time in her life she knew how hurtful that was.
“I know, you tell me all the time.” I didn’t hide the bitterness in my voice.
“Ugh, and I’m the actress. Such a dramatic child.”
“Who’s my dad?”
My eyes widened at my own question, and I was scared to breathe.
“I’ll check in with you when I land, let you know how fabulous it all is,” she said breathlessly.
“Mama, just tell me.”
“Mia . . .”
“Mama, please.” I drew in a deep breath. “I won’t do anything, I just, I need to know.” I thought about Onyx knowing and not telling me. I thought about the way I had asked fortheirhelp, and while they wereDevilsabout it, I knew I could have been better.
“You don’t. He’s nothing. A nobody. He isn’t worth your attention. Be better than him, Mia, be better than me.” She was going to hang up.
“Mom!” I surprised myself with how harsh I sounded. “I have a right to know.”
She was silent, and then I heard her clear her throat. “No. You really don’t. Knowing will change nothing about your life, Mia.”
“Does he know who I am?”
There was a long silence. “Yes. And he doesn’t care.” She hung up.
“Wow.” I stared at the phone and then tossed it to the other side of the couch. My mom was going to Hollywood to shoot a TV show. Was that real? I pinched myself and jumped when it hurt.
Onyx Santo knew who my dad was; I knew he did.
My mom refused to tell me. Well, there wasn’t anything else I could do about it. I’d asked and been shut down. More times than I liked to admit. I sniffed. He knew who I was and had never reached out. I knew I had to let it go. I wasn’t sure when I became so obsessed with it. I hadn’t been before. I let out a huge sigh. Did it matter? I was who I was without knowing. As I stared resentfully at the phone, I idly considered whether I would have been better off without knowing Gloria. Snorting in amusement at my idle thoughts, I looked at my toenails again. I could focus on what I couldn’t change, or I could focus on what I could. My toenails, I could change, and they needed redoing. Hot pink wasn’t a color I could pull off.
Halfway through my pedicure, my phone rang again. Seeing it was Bea, I answered.
“Mia, we’re getting very drunk!”
“Yay!” I laughed back. “Where and when?”
