“Angus…” I trail off. I don’t know what to say.
This morning I woke in his arms. Safe. Content. At peace with the world. Now I feel as if he is on the other side of a stormy sea.
“I’ll leave you to it,” he says at last.
The door shuts before I have a chance to reply.
“Who is that?”
I raise my brows. “Like you’re one to ask?”
“Fuck.” Ethan collapses onto the closest sofa and buries his head in his hands. “You’re right. Ro. Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I can’t even come close to expressing how fucking sorry I am.”
I sit down next to him. I expected rage. I thought I’d deliver a speech on how he wronged me, on what a catch I am and what an idiot he’s been to let me go. I thought I’d shout or wring my hands.
Instead, I feel empty. Sad.
“What happened?”
“I don’t… I…” Ethan stares into the distance.
“I don’t understand.” My voice shakes. “I thought things were good. You asked me to move in with you.”
“I know.”
“I gave up my flat for you.”
“I know.”
“You cheated on me.”
“I know, Ro. Fuck. I know.” He closes his eyes for a moment. “I’m lonely. I’ve been lonely for a while. And when you moved in, I thought the loneliness would get better, but somehow it got worse.”
“How could you be lonely? We were together all the time!”
“Were we?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I think of all the nights we spent together, all the sofa dinners, and TV show binges, the popcorn and the movies, always arm to arm, thigh to thigh.
Ethan shifts to face me. “Physically, yes. We were together. But emotionally? You weren’t there. I’d try to kiss you, and you’d offer me your cheek. I’d try to hold your hand, and you’d pass me the remote. You didn’t want to go out. You wouldn’t come see my friends.” He shakes his head. “I’m not trying to make excuses—”
“Well, it bloody sounds like it!” There. A spark. Hot and fuming. “You fucked someone else. In our flat. In our bed. How could you do that to me?”
“You asked me what happened! This is what happened!” Ethan takes my hand and presses my palm with his fingers. “Do you love me? Do you really love me? Because this whole journey, I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure it out. I am so sorry for what I did. I was lonely and she was there, and I was weak, and I hate myself for it. But Rowan… Sometimes I’d be standing there, right in front of you, and it felt like you didn’t even see me. I love you. I’ve loved you since I saw you literally dance with joy when you found that red dress – you know, the one with the flamingos – in that charity shop, and I thoughthow can anyone be so fucking enthusiastic about clothes?That was the Ro I fell for. But you don’t dance with joy around me. You don’t look at me the way you looked at that dress. And sometimes I wonder if you want to be withmeat all. Or if I’m just there. Taking up space.”
“So why are you with me? If I make you feel that bad?” My eyes prickles with tears. “Why are you here?”
Ethan sighs. “I was hoping that you’d say I was wrong. That you do love me. And that we can find some way to move past this. You can find some way to forgive me.” He laughs sadly. “But now that I’m here… I don’t think you’re going to say any of that. Are you?”
I stare at him. The words won’t come.
Ethan is right. I don’t love him. Not the way he wants me to. And while I might be able to forgive him, I will never be able to trust him again. Not the way I need to.
My heart breaks for him a little. Until last week, Ethan was a good boyfriend. Great, even. Steady. Dependable. Even.
It’s me. I’m the problem. I stayed with him when I should have walked away. Moved in with him when I should have saidno. I was so wrapped up in what I wanted, in staying safe, in my careful cocoon, that I never wondered whether it was right for him.
Ethan waits a little longer, hope fading from his green eyes.
