“Let’s go!” Priya runs on a few steps. “Ewan, Angus, if you want to walk with me, I can tell you all the Latin names of the flowers.”
“Why would I want to—”
“Don’t make me take those crutches away from you, Ewan,” Angus menaces, his voice lightening as he turns back to Priya. “That sounds great.”
“Okay, well, this one’s aulex europaeus, which is a common gorse...”
Priya’s voice trails off as she dances along ahead, the two men following her with more reluctance than enthusiasm, not that Angus will let Ewan show it. Lila and I exchange a glance and laugh quietly, enjoying the sight of two grown men reduced to the whims of one little girl.
But a second later, Lila’s cheeks are wet with tears.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
She dashes them away. “Oh, yeah. Those deer… they were beautiful, weren’t they?”
“Um… yes. I suppose they were.”
We walk on, and another tear slides down Lila’s face.
“I feel like this is maybe about more than the deer?” I ask again. “I don’t want to pry, and if you’d rather cry alone in the woods, then I’m happy to let you – trust me, been there, donethat. But… if you want someone to talk to, I’m a pretty good listener.”
She wipes her face again. “I’m going to leave Priya’s father.”
“Did he cheat on you?”
“What? No. Of course not.”
“Sorry. Looking for cheaters everywhere now. Do you fight a lot?”
“No.” She look thoughtful. “And maybe that’s the problem. He’s very kind, and mostly we’re happy, but for the past few years, it’s felt like sharing a bed with my oldest friend. When we met, every time I looked at him, I would think,god, I’m so fucking lucky to be with you, and now I think,god, I wish you’d buy yourself some new socks and remember to do the dishes.” Lila shakes her head. “Somewhere along the way, we made this beautiful creature, and I’m so happy we did that together. But I don’t love Neil anymore. Not the way I did. And maybe I won’t find someone to love that way again, that way that feels a little bit magical – but I owe it to myself to try.”
“What about Priya?” I ask, trying desperately not to overlay myself in her place. “It can be hard on kids when their parents divorce.”
Lila shoots me a sharp look. “I’m guessing yours did?”
I nod. “My dad. He cheated on my mum. She kicked him out.” Even thinking about it makes me shiver with stress. “Nothing was ever the same after that.”
“I get that,” Lila says. “It must have been hard for you. But this is different. Nobody’s cheating here. Nobody’s angry. I’m not going to let Priya’s world be torn apart. And, honestly, if I stay? If I deny myself the future I want and stick it out with a man I’m only pretending to love, what kind of role model am I being? What am I telling her about how relationships are meant to be?”
“That’s… Wow.” I turn to Lila, a little bit awed. “You’re really impressive, you know that?”
Lila flicks her hair. “Oh. I know. You should see me at work.” Then she sobers. “I can do this for me, but the idea that I’m going to hurt my daughter? That’s killing me. That’s why we’re here. I wanted to give her one last joyful memory before I blew up her world.”
Despite her brave words, I can see the fear nestled inside Lila. But she’s right: my childhood wasn’t ruined because my dad left, it was ruined because he wasn’t brave enough to talk to my mum. Maybe if he had, it still would have gone to shit. But he didn’t, and it destroyed us.
“You’re not going to blow up her world,” I offer. “Maybe destabilise it a bit. But, child of divorce that I am, I can promise you: there is more joy in that little girl’s future. And everything settles eventually.”
“She’s not going to hate me?” Lila asks quietly.
I take her hand. “No. She’ll be confused and upset. But she won’t hate you. And it won’t be forever.”
Lila and I rejoin the others, who’ve paused to inspect a flower Priya thinks is particularly beautiful, and as she holds it up to her mum and the biggest smile blooms over Lila’s face, a wave of sadness and joy breaks over me in equal measure. They’ll be okay. I know it. But it doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard, and my heart breaks for the little girl who will soon find herself unmoored from the safety net she’s always known.
I consider Lila’s decision as we walk on. She’s brave. Brave enough to upend everything she knows because she believes she deserves better. It’s hard to avoid the contrast with my own relationship. My own life.
In a few days, I’ll be back in London, and I have no idea what I’ll do.
Right now, I feel strong. Capable. Independent. As if the world is a wide-open door, and I simply have to step through it. I’ve spent so long hiding in things that are safe and easy that I’veforgotten what it feels like to stand on my own. To push myself. To choose bravery. To believe that I deserve better.
