For a few, blissful moments, I let myself pretend that he felt that too.
But reality broke with the same force as last night’s storm, brought on the winds of Angus’ deep voice as he – rightly, fairly,reasonably, but also awfully, upsettingly, finally – requested that I return his arm.
I’m an idiot for thinking it could be something more.
And now we’re trudging along, hardly speaking. Even my attempts at an apology haven’t fixed things: if anything, he’s grown stiffer, colder, more like the guarded man I shouted at on day one.
There’s nothing I can do. It’s the last day, and I’m determined to enjoy it, before I crash back into the reality of Sophie’s wedding.
The storm has blown away, and everything is fresh and new. My feet are still bundles of pain, but I’ve learned that the only thing to do is accept it and keep walking anyway, and while there’s an ache in my legs, it isn’t the sharp stabbing of the first few days. There’s a heavy satisfaction to it, of muscles that have been well-worked, that are growing stronger with every step.
I huff and puff my way up the last of the incline, pausing at the top to catch my breath. When I turn back the way we’ve come, I can see all the way to the start of the day: to Kinlochleven, the loch sparkling in the sun. Rolling hills and green forests and an earthy umber landscape that I’ve begun to associate with the raw, primal beauty of the Highlands.
“Stunning, isn’t it?” Lila strolls up beside me.
I nod, words failing me.
“Water?” She offers me her canteen, and we fall into step as we descend again, following the glen as the path bumps and jolts into the distance. There is no sign of Ben Nevis, but my guidebook tells me that won’t be until after lunch, when we turn north through the forested slopes, along the bottom of the valley, descending into its shadow.
“Last day, huh?” Lila adds wistfully. “I can’t believe it’s gone so fast.”
“I know. If you’d told me on the first day, I’d be sad about it ending, I’d have laughed in your face.”
“That’s how it gets you.” Lila laughs. “One second you’re complaining about your sore back and wishing you were curled up at home, and the next your feet are squelching in your boots and your knees are aching, but you couldn’t be happier.” She holds up a stern finger. “Fair warning. You’re one of us now, Rowan. You can take the girl out of the hike, but you can’t take the hike out of the girl. You’ll see – five minutes back at home, and you’ll be itching to be out here again.”
I take a deep breath. “Again, if you’d said that to me day one, I’d have called you a liar. But now…” I shrug. “I guess we’ll see. Not like I’ve got much to be going home for anyway.”
“Sounds like you’re at a bit of a crossroads then.”
“I guess I am… I think I need to take some time to figure out what I want. I’ve been on autopilot for so many years, and I didn’t even realise. So, that’s scary, but also good, I think?”
“And what about Angus? How does he factor in?”
“Angus?” I look at Lila in surprise.
“The grumpy, incredibly sexy bear of a man we’ve been walking with for five days? The one who keeps looking at you with fuck-me eyes?”
“Lila!”
“What? Because I’m a mum and I prefer it when everyone doesn’t constantly swear in front of my ten-year-old, I don’t know how to say the word ‘fuck’? How do you think Priya came into being anyway? It certainly wasn’t an immaculate conception.” She twiddles her eyebrows.
“I will admit, there is a certain appealing ruggedness to Angus’ face. And he does have great arms.”
“Also his arse. Let’s not forget that tender peach he’s carting along.”
I struggle not to laugh. “Also that. And his shoulders.”
Lila nods. “Perfect ankle resters when he’s got you on your back.”
“Lila!” I can’t help it, I’m going red.
Angus glances back, still wearing his grumpiest frown, and we wave at him and laugh.
“Speaking of men… What about you?” I ask. “Will Priya’s dad be waiting for you when you get back?”
I have this vision that Lila’s husband is the kind of man who’ll greet them both with flowers, protesting that he’s missed them far too much, and they should never go away without him again. That he’ll be passionate, showering them with kisses, declaiming poetry from the top of the stairs.
“No.” Lila shakes her head. “He’ll be away for a couple more days. He gets back on Monday.”
