The worst part is, I miss her already. I’ve ruined our future, and driven her off, and now I have nothing, and no one, and I deserve nothing, and no one.
I get up, a little unsteady on my feet; I’ve drunk more wine than I thought.
“Does he really—” I hear Jonathan say as I leave the room, open bottle of wine in one hand, the other supporting me to ensure I don’t fall.
“Of course he does.” There’s the scrape of a chair, and then Stuart is following me down the corridor. “Going somewhere?”
I start up the stairs.
“Uh uh.” The floorboards creak behind me. “You don’t get to say shit like that, then hide in your room. I won’t be having it.”
“Leave me alone, Stuart.”
“So you can sit in silence and self-flagellate until you convince yourself that everything in the world is your fault? I don’t think so.”
I stop on the top step and spin around. “Isn’t it?”
“What?”
“My fault.”
“I don’t see how.”
I slump against the wall. “You warned me. You told me not to sleep with her, to keep it in my pants, but did I listen? And now the wedding is off, and we’re fucked, and I can’t…” I shake my head. “I can’t keep it together anymore. I thought I could, but I can’t. It’s my fault. It’s all my bloody fault. And everything here, every scrap of wall and inch of brick reminds me of him. He’s seeped into the very bones of this place, and I should have been here, if I’d been here, I could have— And now I can’t— And tomorrow—”
“Angus, it’s not your fault.”
I have never seen Stuart look so sad.
“I shouldn’t have left him, though, should I? I should have stayed the course. Been a better man, a better son. If I had…”
“Then what?” Stuart is angry now. I can hear it in the cut crystal of his voice, every word clipped and precise. “What do you think would have happened? Do you think you could have saved him, Angus? Is that it?”
“I could have tried,” I snap back, stung.
“And I’m sure that would have gone so well.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“You were never going to save that man. And it wasn’t your job to try! Your Da was a black pit, God rest his soul, and all he ever did was drag you and Ross and Mason down into it. Leaving this farm – leaving him – was the best thing you ever did.”
“I—”
“You Mackenzie’s are too bloody stubborn, the lot of you. For years, I kept my mouth shut. Each time you came so close to getting out, and somehow he dragged you back. But he’s gone now, Angus, and I won’t be having it. That man does not get to keep ruining your life.”
Anger stirs within me, propelled by wine and hurt. “You have no idea—” I try to say, but Stuart cuts me off, his voice like the lash of a whip.
“No,youhave no idea! You are not to blame for every single bad thing that happens in this world, and you are especially not to blame forhim. I am tired of watching you beat yourself up again and again for something that is not, and has never been, your fault. Do you understand?” Stuart is breathing heavily. “It isn’t your fault. And neither is this. And I refuse to stand by while you repeat the same old fucking patterns, okay? Talk to me, don’t talk to me, I don’t care, but don’t you fucking dare claim responsibility for this. You are not that fucking important.”
I wait until I’m sure Stuart isn’t going to say anything else. “Feel better?”
Stuart huffs a laugh. “A little.”
I sigh. “You’re a good friend, Stuart. You… You’ve done so much for me. And all I do is let you down. I let everyone down.”
Stuart throws up his hands. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Can you hear yourself?”
“No, but really. All this—” I gesture helplessly at the stairwell, meaning the farm, the barn, the money, the help, all of it. “I couldn’t have done it without you. I’m so sorry.”
