It’s too big to voice, but I feel it there, that distant thought, lurking, always, somewhere, the fear that I’m not going to make it, that life will crush me, that it is too much, that I would lie down forever if I could.
This is the fear I’ve been running from since I was twenty. The one I’ve built my life around avoiding.
And now here it is again.
“What do I do?”
“You suck it up. And then you do it anyway, no matter how hard it is. Sure, today might be shit. And maybe tomorrow will be too. And the tomorrow after that. You could spend weeks or even years feeling like total crap. It might always be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”
“So why even bother?”
“Because you don’t know, Rowan, love. You have no idea what’s coming next for you, and you won’t unless you see it through. Next week could be the best day of your life. Or not. The slugs might come out and eat the cabbages you’ve slaved away on your hands and knees in the mud for all year – or you might finally harvest those crisp bundles of green and make the most delicious salad you’ve ever eaten. You don’t know!” Joan pats my knee fondly. “If I hadn’t stuck it out, I wouldn’t have Bol, wouldn’t be looking forward to trying her peach focaccia, wouldn’t get to laugh with her over a cup of tea, or look at her face when I wake up every morning. My life with her brings me so much joy. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have known I could be so happy. And now I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. Every second of agony has been worth it, for me. And it will be worth it for you, too. You need a little trust, and a little hope.”
“You think there’s hope?”
“There’s always hope.” She releases my knee and gives me a fond look. “Even for miserable gits like you and me.”
I laugh. “Thanks, Joan. Comforting as always.”
“I live to inspire. Now get out of my car, please, and go get on your train. You’re keeping me from my afternoon tea.”
“No offence, but that cake sounds disgusting.”
Joan laughs. “I could not agree with you more. But Bolly’s excited about it, so I am too. Even if it’s going to taste like a horse’s arse.”
I shake my head. That’s what I want: to be so head-over-heels about someone they can make anything feel like an adventure. Even a catastrophe of a baked good.
And for a second, I thought I could have it. Not yet, not right now. But that Angus was a person I could see myself with, could see myself falling for, could imagine waking up next to every morning and counting my lucky stars each time.
That’s over. Done.
That kind of love isn’t for failures like me.
I throw myself at Joan and wrap her in a hug. “Thanks,” I whisper in her ear, leaving her a little stupefied as I open the passenger door and haul myself out.
I check my watch. The train is in a few minutes. Fuck.
So there I am, once again sprinting with my heavy bag banging on my back, my stomach churning a little from the wine I drunk last night, cursing my life. None the wiser, no closer to a resolution.
And yet somehow, indefinably, entirely changed.
I throw myself on as the whistle blows, and the doors slam shut behind me. The engine rattles. The train pulls away.
I’ve made it.
Ewan, Lila and Priya wave at me from a table they’ve found, and I join them after stowing my bag. Lila has a pack of cards out, and is dealing Ewan and Priya in, but she smiles as I sit down.
“All okay?”
I nod, not quite trusting myself to speak.
“What are you playing?”
“Go Fish.” Priya bounces happily in her seat, clutching her cards. “Want to join?”
“Sure.”
“I can’t believe it’s over,” Lila sighs after we play the first hand.
