And it has something to do with the woman standing in front of me.
What have I done? How has this happened? Stuart warned me. They all warned me. But did I listen? No, I fucking didn’t.
“What did you say to Sophie?” I can’t keep the anger out of my voice as I drag Rowan into my room and close the door. I realise I’m looming over her when she flinches, so I walk away to the other side of the attic space, working hard to stop myself pacing a hole in the floor. “What the fuck did you say London?”
“Wait… you think this is my fault?”
I push a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what to think. Yesterday, everything was fine. Happy couple. Ceremony all going ahead. This morning, everything’s off. What did you say?”
“Nothing!”
“Then what were you talking about? How did this happen?”
“I don’t know. One minute we were talking about me, and Ethan, and how I look at you, and then suddenly she’s saying she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Henry, isn’t sure she could marry him.”
“Fuck.” I fist my hands to keep them from shaking. “Fuck!”
Rowan’s eyes are wide. As if she doesn’t understand the person standing before her. As if she doesn’t recognise me.
I don’t understand either. I’m not sure I recognise myself.
Something ugly is coming out.
“Why does it matter if Sophie isn’t getting married?” Rowan asks. “It’s her life! It has nothing to do with you!”
“It haseverythingto do with me. This is it, London. Don’t you get that? Our big break. Our re-launch. Now we’re a farm thatalmostheld the wedding of the year. Do you know how many strings Stuart had to pull to set this up? How many ears he had to bend to get Sophie and Henry to choose us in the first place?”
“They’ll still pay, I’m sure—”
“That’s not the point! No one’s going to recommend a venue where the wedding doesn’t happen, are they? Everyone has put so much on the line for this. For me. And what am I supposed to tell them? Go home, folks. Thanks so much for trying.” I want to close my eyes. I want to disappear.
It’s all on me. All my fault.
“What is this really about, Angus?”
I can hear her talking, but it feels like it’s coming from a million miles away.
“I can’t do this.”
The future stretches ahead of me. More work. More graft. I’ll need to devote myself to it. There will be no time for anything else. I need to keep the farm going. I need to pay Stuart back. And it’s my land, anyway. My responsibility. I can’t leave it. Can’t leave him. Not again. I let myself get distracted. Let myself feel, when I promised myself I would stop.
And even if we make a go of it, what then? I know how that story ends. My Ma, gone. My Da, who loved her too much, who loved her like his life depended on it, gone. Violet, gone. Everyone I love, gone.
She’ll never stay. No one ever stays.
Better not to start. Better not to open myself up to it.
“Can’t do what?” Rowan has her arms crossed, hugging herself, as if it can protect her from what is coming next.
“This. Any of this.”
“Do you mean… us?”
“It was never going to work out anyway. You and me. We both know that.”
Her mouth has dropped open. “Do we?”
“What’s the plan then, London? Are you going to drop everything and move up here? With me and fields and the cows? Or do you expect me to come to you? To that shit-hole you call a city, where no one speaks to each other, and the nearest bit of nature is over an hour away? Do you expect me to leave everything I’ve worked for my whole life foryou?”
