But I can’t. I’m frozen in place because though she’s made the apartment as comfortable as possible, the fixtures and appliances are ancient and obviously in need of being replaced. I look up at the ceiling and notice multiple areas of crumbling paint and stains where there are leaks. The laminate cabinets are peeling. The tile in the kitchen is old and worn. The apartment has wooden floors at least, but they’re warped. Worse, though, isthe door with only a flimsy bolt securing Emma from the outside world.
“Seriously, Em, why the hell do you live here?” I ask, upset.
“Because I can afford it. LA is expensive,” she snaps, her chin rising. “I need coffee. Do you want a cup?”
I nod.
She operates a fancy-looking machine efficiently.
I smile a little at that. Leave it to Emma not to skimp on her coffee, even in a place like this.
She sees me eyeing it and snorts. “Secondhand. I’m good at getting deals.”
“But why doyouneed deals? I’m confused here, Em.”
“You’re confused because you’ve been privileged and entitled your entire life.”
“But don’t I pay you enough?” I’m embarrassed to hear my voice break on the word ‘enough.’
“You do.” Her face remains closed as she puts coffee grinds into the machine and presses a button.
“Then why?”
She sighs and finally looks at me. “You’re being dramatic. This apartment isn’tthatbad. And college is expensive.”
“But you graduated years ago.” I remember her studying for final exams when we were on location for one of theWanderersmovies. “Are you still paying off your debts?”
Her laugh is ironic. “Sebastian, most people take more than a few years to pay off school debts. They can take decades.”
“Okay. But even with a student loan…” I’m more uncertain now. Did her university cost that much?
She rolls her eyes. “You won’t let this go, will you? Fine. Sadie worked really hard to make it into one of the best universities in the country. And my father, as much as I love him, has never been financially stable. His counseling work with refugees is important, but the pay isn’t much. I didn’t want Sadie to takeon any debt, and I couldn’t afford to pay for her tuition and expenses as well as my bills, not while I lived in a nice place. Now you know. Are you happy that you’ve pried into my personal business?”
She hands me a black coffee and shoots me a glare as she readies the machine for the next. Red infuses her chest, and I notice her hand shakes a little while she puts several large spoonfuls of sugar in her cup.
“Are you kidding? I could have fucking paid your rent for a decent place. And paid Sadie’s tuition. It’s nothing. All you had to do was ask.” I’m sick at the thought that she carried this all by herself for so many years. I love her father. He helped me get my shit together when I was in rehab. But I can’t believe he left the country and made her responsible for this burden all on her own.
“And that just shows how fucked up this world is that we live in, that an amount that’s so insignificant to you would make such a difference to most people. But still. It’s my problem. Not yours. You’re my boss.”
A hollow feeling settles in my stomach. Do I know Emma at all? IthoughtI knew her. She knows every detail about me, from what I have for breakfast to what type of boxers I prefer. But as I look around her apartment, I feel our relationship rearrange in my head. She knew all those details, not because she was my best friend, but because she needed to. She was my employee. And I was her boss. I didn’t need to know the details ofherlife.
I thought that because she was sassy and funny and often told me like it is, it meant that she never held back about herself. But now, I realize she held back all the time. She never showed who she was behind the scenes.
The intimacy I imagined wasn’t there, at least not on her side. It was her doing her job.
Somewhere deep inside aches. I recognize the feeling from that part of me I thought I buried long ago, the small boy who bonded with nanny after nanny, just to have them leave without a backward glance.
Hell, besides Emma, the main constant in my life has been Marie. And I pay them both.
Something desperate threatens to freeze me in place.
I’ve done this my whole life. Getting work, family, and friendship all mixed up in my mind. Imagining relationships when it was just transactional.
Not that Emma is a user. She’s the opposite. She wouldn’t ask for anything, not even when she was struggling to pay her bills.
“Sadie just graduated. So you can move now, right?”
Emma shoots me a flat look. And I realize—she just quit her job and is starting a business. She doesn’t have the money to move.
