I tilt my head to give him better access. “Yes, thank you,” I repeat.
I hear the bodyguard sigh. “And just for the record, I didn’t see any of this,” he grumbles before his footfalls disappear.
His words break my spell. “Shit,” I say. “I just realized. Do you think he’ll tell Chase? He was Chase’s bodyguard for years. He’s insanely loyal to him.”
“Do you really care?” Ryder asks.
“Don’t you?”
He shrugs. “I don’t want Chase to hear about it from someone else. And it’s not the kind of conversation I want tohave over the phone. But I don’t want to lie to your brother. Not about you. Not anymore.”
I’m tempted to ask how he feels about me, exactly. But that doesn’t seem like a question for this temporary arrangement. Old insecurities die hard.
So I reach up and kiss Ryder on the cheek. And then I step back and walk away so he can get to his video meeting.
And I go straight into Piper’s dressing room with my sketchbook. Being surrounded by all the fabulous clothes from across the decades should fill me with endless creative energy, but I look around and wonder how I could have ever imagined that I’d be able to create something so beautiful.
I have to design formal wear for the biggest singer on the planet. Me.
The irony is, I’ve been trying to help Ryder with his songwriting block, advising him he just needs to relax. And now, here I am. With a creative block of my very own.
Life. It comes at you fast.
I stare into my blank sketchbook. Then I put on Avery Woods’s fabulous discography, hoping to get inspiration. I even dance around dressed in a few of Piper Vanders’s best eighties-era dresses. It would have made a fabulous movie montage, but it doesn’t make the muse flow.
My muse is as fickle as my last friend-with-benefits.
So I give up and call Olivia, telling her all about my new opportunity. Italk aboutdesigning a dress for Avery to procrastinate. Instead of actually designing the dress.
This is how I failed out of college.
And then when Taylor calls, wanting to celebrate and also dish about his love life, I decide to make a break for it. Maybe my muse needs a change of scenery.
I peek my head into the library that’s become Ryder’s makeshift office. He’s massaging his head while staring at hislaptop as someone drones on about concert logistics. He doesn’t see me, so I close the door gently.
I write Ryder a note, telling him I’m going out. “Wanna go visit Taylor and Louis, boy?” I ask Archie.
He wags his tail. For a minute, I second-guess my decision. It’s almost dinnertime. I don’t know how long Ryder will be, but perhaps we can eat together. And then maybe we can pick up where we left off after our date.
Then I remember my promise to myself. To not fall back into the trap of waiting around for Ryder. I’m trying to walk this precipice between living for the moment and not getting too attached. Because, so far, nothing he does is turning me off or making me any less wild for him. It’s the opposite.
Which is why, when I come home much later, I get ready for bed, fighting with myself the whole time because all I want is to go to Ryder. I try to distract myself with music. I eventually give up, and I stand at my bedroom door, debating whether I should open it and go to him. I stand there for far too long, all these inconvenient, girly feelings rising in me. Longing. Wanting. Yearning. So much damn yearning.
But I’m proud of myself. I don’t open the door. I don’t walk down the hall to his room. And before I lose all willpower, I climb back into bed and will sleep to come.
CHAPTER 34
Ryder
(TEN YEARS AGO) RYDER’S JOURNAL
I’m not religious. But as I sit by Daisy’s hospital bed, I pray. It was me who found her. When she didn’t answer my increasingly frantic knocks on her bedroom door, I broke it down. She was unconscious on her bed with the empty pill bottle next to her.
In the hospital, Chase, Sebastian, and I take turns watching her for any sign of movement, of life. This is my fault. I knew that she had feelings for me. That she was vulnerable. And instead of staying away from her, I continued to be friends, risking her heart. And then I fucked everything up by the insensitive way I responded when I found her in my bed. I hurt her.
When she was caught in the tabloid’s glare, the world also hurt her. Deeply. But it started with me.
In my prayers, I make a deal with God—or with the devil, I’m not sure which. That if she recovers, I’ll never make that same mistake. I’ll honor Chase’s requests to stay away fromhis sister. I’ll never again lead her on. I’ll do everything I can to protect her, to make her happy, but from afar.
