I stare at Brendan, not able to make sense of his words. “What are you talking about? You were never a screwup. I was in awe of you. You just thought differently—more brilliantly than any of us.” I snort. “And I don’t recall ever being Dad’s favorite. I was angry at him, but I didn’t expect better. It was you turning your back on me that hurt the most. You were my big brother,” I admit. I stare down at the weathered wood of the railing.
“I missed you,” Brendan says. “I wanted to reach out so often over the years and clear the air, but the timing never seemed right. And, whether or not he’ll admit it, Dad misses you too. He’s changed as he’s gotten older, Ry. Mellowed. He’s still a controlling ass. Don’t get me wrong. But I think he’d love to reconnect with you. I’m not saying you should forgive him for hissake. But maybe for yours. And I hope you forgive me. Because I’d love my brother back.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say. But a smile tugs at my lips.
He nods with the same smile. “Do that.” He pauses. “So if we’re going to be acting like brothers again, can I start by giving you some brotherly advice?”
I groan. “I take it back. I have no family.”
“Too bad. My advice? Get your head out of your ass and stop acting like Dad.”
“What the fuck? I’m nothing like him,” I grate out.
“You are. I think you know it. And that scares you. You’re afraid of ending up like him and disappointing the people you love. You have his drive. His stubbornness. His total dedication to any goal he went after. He took our family company that was on the verge of bankruptcy, and turned it into an empire. He did it with the single-minded focus you have. You were always just as determined as he was, even as a kid. The difference is that while he channeled all that into Wall Street, you channeled it into music and becoming a star. Focusing only on work may have made you a success. But I doubt if it ever made you happy, not really,” Brendan says.
“And what do you think will make me happy?” I ask. I’m not sure if my question is sarcastic or sincere.
He gives me a half smile. “A girl like Daisy doesn’t come around often. I haven’t been around you much lately, but I can see she makes you lighter. She makes you laugh and loosen up. She makes you better. I don’t know what kind of shit you’re telling yourself in that brain of yours. But don’t mess things up. I know Dad wasn’t an outstanding role model. He was never home, and he worked to the exclusion of everything else, even when Mom was sick. You may share similar traits, Ry, but you don’t have to end up like Dad. You were always better than him.The problem isn’t that you care too little. You care too much. And that scares you.”
“Fuck me. Now I remember how annoying you always were. You overanalyze everything. Even shit you know nothing about. Don’t imagine you still know me.”
“And don’t imagine I don’t.”
We’re silent for long minutes.
“More?” Brendan asks, reaching for the whiskey bottle.
I nod.
I think about what he said. Am I afraid to develop entanglements,commitments, because I’m afraid I’m going to let everyone down like Dad did? As much as I hate to admit it, there’s truth there. I feel it deep in my gut. Being independent feels safe.
Whereas love and attachments don’t. They’ve mostly been a destructive force in my life. They meant being controlled or pressured to give up my dreams. But does it have to be like that?
We don’t speak again until we’ve both come to the bottom of another glass as we watch the sun hit the sea in a blinding sunset.
“Wait for it.” He grins.
“The green flash,” I murmur back to him with a similar smile. It was what our grandmother always said about the optical phenomenon that sometimes happened when the sun hits the horizon. She insisted on watching the sunset every night. And every night, she said the same thing.
Tonight, though, there’s no green flash.
“You know,” I say. “Daisy thinks Grandmother is haunting the house.”
Brendan barks out a laugh. “I wouldn’t expect anything less. Of Grandmother. Or Daisy.”
Daisy hasn’t messaged me all day. She should be returning soon, but as far as I know, she hasn’t even boarded the plane toreturn. I hope it means that Avery loved the dress and Daisy has been busy with the fitting. Duncan responded to my messages with just three words.She’s safe. Chill.
I drink until my glass comes up empty. The sky has gone from intense gold to pastels in minutes. It all turned so fast.
“So. We need to talk about the house,” Brendan says and fills my glass again.
When we’re done talking, he pats me on the back and descends the stairs leading back inside. But I stay and stare at the water as the world darkens around me.
I think about my life. I think about how much I miss Daisy, with an intensity I didn’t know was possible. And how much this house has become a part of me. And how easily a dog has captured my heart.
There’s not much I know for certain. Except that I always thought freedom meant no entanglements. And now I wonder if it’s the opposite. If the true cage was me trying to hold myself back from love.
I close my eyes and the scent of Chanel No. 5 comes to me, delicate in the breeze.
