She didn’t care who saw them. She didn’t care about anything. Not anymore. Not the war, not the god inside her; no, only the pulse inside her.Can you feel it?she wondered.Can you?She slipped her hand in, closing the gap between them, molding them together like soft-drenched flowers in the rain. Her heart ached sweetly, and she let it this time, she let it all fall away, in the smell of him, the feeling of his hands, her hands, his skin, his hair, and hers. She wanted to scream. She wanted to shriek and shake and drown in herself, be cast off into some other world. Then he faltered. Hesitating, he withdrew.Don’t stop, she wanted to say.Don’t stop now.It would be so easy, to just let go and let it happen, and let them become whatever they would, whatever this was, whatever – and be in it, the little fluttering thing inside her chest – he felt it too – and let the rising take them both. Instead, it was over. The sky darkened, the sun set; he pulled away. He sat with his head in his hands.
“Sen…”
“Myorin’s moving out,” he said, after an eternity.
Something changed in her then. Closed off. It was like a door, between them, sliding shut.
“To the temple,” she said, sitting. “I know.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I can’t… just…”
“It’s all right,” she said; but it wasn’t.
He sniffed. “How’s your heart?”
“Hurts.”
He looked away. “I wish… things could be different. I wish we could just…”
“Tell me something,” she said. “What are you so afraid of?”
It took him a long time to answer. And when he did, she could barely hear his words. “Too much. Too much. They just won’t let me…”
He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to.
Finally he stirred himself. “Myorin’s moving out,” he said again, mumbling like he felt useless.
“I know. Your sister’s there. At the temple. The god, they showed me. The bridge, the wells… I saw them there. They’re in trouble. The Keishi are getting closer – I-I can feel it. The Hososhi makes me…” Rui broke off.
“What is it?”
“Come with us.”
“Ican’t.” Sen turned. And it hurt, but it was not unexpected. “Tokuonhas given me my own fighting group. I’m to lead his left wing on the march… a hundred warriors on horseback…”
“You have responsibilities.” Rui knew this would happen. Sheknew…
“You start to move differently, with them.” He bent his head. “It’s different. They expect me to be…”
“What?”
He didn’t answer.
Rui, too, now looked away, gazed at her hands, the bruises there, the broken skin. Gazed at nothing; what was there to say? She tried to read the silence that lay so heavily between his words, the thoughts, the voice that would not come. She tried to understand what he so struggled to find within himself, to speak, to share.I’m scared; that was what he hadn’t said.
But his clothes, his sword; he was kijin now.
He wasn’t allowed to be scared. Wasn’t allowed to say it.
“Do you…” He hesitated, seeking something, seeking hope. “Do you ever think about a moment that changed your life? That… could have made things different? I do… sometimes.”
He laughed, then, at the enormity of it all. “All the things I could’ve done… or could’ve done differently… What I could’ve changed… And I wonder if things would’ve been different. If it would’ve made them change.”
He stopped. “I’m sorry. That I left. That I abandoned you.”
Rui said, “You didn’t.”
“It was a shitty thing to do.”
