She’s not wrong.
“It won’t be much longer,” I promise. “Once the baby is born, we can do all the things we used to.”
“No, we won’t. Mrs. Pym says you’ll be busy with the baby, and I need to learn to be responsible.”
I consider my words carefully when I answer, “I will never be too busy for you, Ella.” I take a deep breath when she doesn’t respond. “Do you know the best part about having a sibling? Everything,” I answer when she shakes her head. “You get a best friend. Someone you can play with all the time. Who will love you and be there for you. And as a big sister, you get to teach them everything you know.”
“What if you and Daddies forget about me?”
“That will never happen.” I kiss her temple and smooth my hand over her curls. “I promise you. We will love you forever. No matter what.”
I know I’m finally easing her worries when she wiggles closer and settles her head on my chest.
“Can you tell me stories of my other daddies tonight?”
Five years and the pain hasn’t lessened. The edges are still raw. Still sharp. But telling Ella about her fathers helps somehow. Talking about them hurts but soothes as well.
Revealing the truth of her existence had been a lengthy conversation. A choice made over time and not all at once. Telling her about Eliah and Ames was non-negotiable. Shewould know about them, hear about them as often as possible. They would not be hidden from her.
The choice to name Marcus and Veyn as her other fathers was the one we had the biggest debate, especially after Veyn confessed what he did to create her. It would be unfair to Ella and them if we concealed their participation in her creation.
Marcus is her father. So are Veyn, Eliah and Ames. It was just a matter of trying to explain all that without details to a child.
So far, she hasn’t asked any questions. Hasn’t wondered how most children only have one father and she was blessed with four.
I suppose it’s the same as how one of her fathers is a demon. That hasn’t come up either. I suppose having grown up with Veyn, it’s just normal.
Even Mrs. Pym had simply accepted his presence as if a demon walking through mirrors was a perfectly acceptable thing. From the moment she returned one morning without explanation, she asked no questions.
Not how a baby came to be overnight.
Not why I was with Marcus or that it was inappropriate.
Not why there was a demon in the house.
She simply returned one day and went straight to work like nothing ever happened.
I suppose, that is her job. To not ask questions. But I know I would have a few if it were me.
“Are you happy?”
I pause in the story to peer down into the dark, swirling eyes of my little girl. It happens occasionally. It seems to be the only thing she got from Veyn. I’m not sure what causes it, but it comes and goes without her seeming to realize it.
“Of course,” I tell her. “I’m very happy.”
“Would you go back if you could?”
This thread of conversation is new. A little jarring. A five-year-old wouldn’t know about going back to change the past, or maybe she would. I can’t be sure. Ella has always been a little too perceptive. Too smart sometimes.
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “Maybe yes before I had you. But we can’t change the past.”
“But if you could, would you bring them back?”
The tendrils are moving too fast around the contours of her eyes. Wiggling entities writhing down her soft cheeks.
“I don’t know,” I say for the third time, meaning it.
Would I go back and ask Ames and Eliah from leaving the house that day? The answer should be yes, would be yes if I was guaranteed Ella and Veyn. Two things I know would not be possible if my boys had lived. Without their loss, I would never have needed Veyn. The Duval family would still be alive. Life would have gone on as it once was.
