Nineteen
ISPENT THE NEXT DAYwandering the castle in a daze.
Through the night I’d wept enough that my pillow was sodden and my body refused to produce any more tears.By the time I woke, my grief had thawed into numbness.It took what little energy I had just to run a comb through my hair.I had no interest in eating, but I dragged myself downstairs out of habit to find Enrique had made krapfen.
I started to cry again.
My eyes hurt too much to read, and even the smell of books reminded me of my mother.What would she do if she were here?Roll over and die, I thought bitterly, then shook it away.Father once said she’d given up fighting, but I’d thought he meant against Raleigh.I realised I truly didn’t know what she had been fighting, nor for how long.I couldn’t imagine what Raleigh had freed her from.What kind of pain lets a mother look her daughter in the eye and choose death?
What of my aunt’s death, then?Aunt Anya, with the racking cough, who had died in poverty while her brother hoarded hiswealth.Part of me must have known at the time that she needed someone to care for her, or I would have moved in with Yann instead.I thought back to the painful rasp in her lungs, to the chill from the open windows.She should have told me, I thought, but I knew I would have tried to talk her out of it.Maybe she thought I’d succeed.And then … what?She would have gained a month or two of growing agony, until her lungs gave out or she starved to death.
Raleigh freed her.Like my mother.Like so many.And we all called him a monster.
Raleigh didn’t make an appearance at dinner.I ate alone, trying not to dwell on his absence, but when Enrique appeared to clear my dishes I peppered him with questions.Where was he?How long had he been gone?Would he be back soon?
Enrique, confused and uncomfortable, had no answers for me.‘Moira took his breakfast to his room,’ he said, as if this shouldn’t bother me.
Irritation broke through my stupor.After being so insistent on making himself seen whenever I tried to avoid him, why was he now the one avoiding me?I searched for him in the library, then in the lab, and when all else failed I tried to find his tower, but while I harboured no ill will, the castle looped me back to my own room no matter which direction I tried.In the end I gave up and went to bed fuming.
I spent another night tossing in my sheets, my few snatches of sleep haunted by the ghosts of everyone I’d ever lost, and woke with my mother’s words in my ears.
Forgive him.
I did.Another bout of tears welled up at the realisation.Or at least I believed him, which was as close as I was ready for.The knowledge was terrifying; it dismantled my very identity.But in away it excited me.Despite the twisting despair lurching through me, I was desperate to tell him.To put his mind at ease.
The next day lasted an eternity.I still couldn’t concentrate, so I spent the daylight hours sparring with Enrique until my hair was damp and my muscles ached enough to distract me from my thoughts.But when Enrique finally served dinner, Raleigh still hadn’t appeared.
He was still in the castle – there were signs of him everywhere.He had a nasty habit of leaving the books he had been reading open facedown on the table rather than find something to mark his place.There was a fresh booklet of notes left for me in the lab, but I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm to tinker without him beside me.
So we were back to the old days of tiptoeing around each other.I tried not to let it bother me, which bothered me in itself.Once I would have been delighted to have scared off Prince Rostenburg.Now I longed to see his gloating face.I didn’t know what had changed.Or rather, I tried to block out the suspicion that my subconscious kept whispering to me whenever I tried to relax.It wasn’t productive.My time here was steadily draining away and I was still no closer to curing Raleigh of his condition.
Although I was loath to admit it, marriage to Raleigh was no longer the worst outcome waiting at the end of the year.When I tried to fantasise about how life might look if I found a cure, I found myself filled with dread.Five thousand gulden, I reminded myself, would be a small fortune in Salzburg.I would be free, surrounded by books I actually wanted to read.And I would be alone.
Yann no longer appeared in these fantasies, and I certainly had no interest in convincing Father to leave the valley.No matter how much money Raleigh paid me, sooner or later I would have tofind a husband or wind up a lonely spinster.But when I tried to imagine what that husband might look like, only one face ever came to mind.
Would he still want to marry me if I won our bargain?
If I stopped looking for a cure I wouldn’t have to wonder.I wouldn’t be alone: I had Moira and Enrique, even if Raleigh decided to ignore me.Another research project could occupy my time instead.Father Leon had piqued my interest in Raleigh’s ancestors.Perhaps he could—
Of course he couldn’t.If I married Raleigh, I wouldn’t be able to visit the cathedral for research.There would be no more daylight trips to Triz; there would be no more daylight at all.We wouldn’t need a chef, Moira would grow old and die, and Raleigh would vanish again while he avoided any uncomfortable conversations about mourning.
I would be alone.In darkness.Forever.
I had just over two months left.I could worry about my future life when I knew there was a life worth worrying about.Perhaps Raleigh would extend my deadline if I asked.Surely whatever it was he had to do in the new year could be done with a mortal bride.
After another dinner with only Enrique’s fleeting company I found myself lying awake, going over everything I knew with renewed vigour.From all my research I knew more than a dozen ways to kill Raleigh, but only one to cure him.Surely any one of the methods I had found would work equally well on his sire.So why was he so determined that I avoid that method?Was he trying to protect her, or did he never intend for me to lift his curse after all?
No.I’d seen how he’d stared into the sunlight, months ago now, the evening after our venture into Orlfen.He longed for humanity.There was something more.Something he wasn’t willing to share.
I had almost drifted asleep when there came a sharp rapping at the door.I jolted.It was already well past midnight.Who could possibly be calling on me so late?Raleigh was the only culprit I could think of, but why would he choose now of all times to speak to me after avoiding me for two whole days?
I dragged myself out of bed and tore the door open, ready to unleash my frustration, but it was Moira, not Raleigh, waiting on the other side.
Her face was drawn, her shoulders squared.‘You’ve been requested downstairs,’ she said stiffly.
‘Tell Raleigh that if he’s going to ignore me while I’m awake, then he doesn’t get to demand my presence while I’m asleep.’
‘Don’t do this, Clara.Not now.’Her tone was weary, breath uneven.I’d always thought Moira was unflappable, that she had the nerves of a knight, but something had shaken her.I bit back the retort that had been bubbling.
