They were from relief. And guilt.
“I’m afraid I’ve failed,” I whispered. “I’ve broken the most sacred promise?—”
“You broke your expectation of yourself.” He reached out to me, covering my hand with his, a move so out of character for him that I couldn’t help but feel touched. “You were sincere in that promise, yes? You meant it. But vows made in grief are not the same as vows made when you’re whole. Forgive yourself, Rafael. You are only human, as we all are.”
His words had me coming undone, and I bowed my head as a tear escaped, falling down my cheek. The enormity of this decision hit me then, but I knew without a doubt that it was the right one. There was no world for me that didn’t have Alessio at the center of it, but I’d needed to hear the permission I couldn’t seem to grant myself. I’d prayed, asked for forgiveness so much that I wasn’t sure God wanted to hear from me anymore.
To move on, I needed absolution. I’d needed that from my mentor, the man who’d been there my whole life.
The archbishop gently lifted my chin, a soft expression on his face, like that of a father trying to give comfort to his son.
“Do you believe God to be so fragile that He cannot withstand your choice?”
The idea of that was so ridiculous that I smiled and brushed away the wet trail of tears from my cheek. “That would be incredibly self-righteous of me.”
Archbishop De Vecchi raised a brow. “It would, wouldn’t it?”
It was as close to teasing as he got, and it broke the tension I’d been feeling leading up to this meeting. Like a balloon bursting, it all rushed out of me then in a long exhale, the weight off my shoulders, my decision and my path never more clear.
“One more question,” he said. “What can you not live without?”
Alessio’s face immediately came to mind. The quiet way he’d chosen me year after year, with no promise, no hope of a future together. Loving me in secret. Watching me and watchingafterme. Believing I was someone worth choosing, someone worthy of him.
He was the best man, the best person, I’d ever known. The way I knew he protected his loved ones, his brothers, without hesitation. The way he was unmovable, unshakable, so certain about who he was and what he wanted. There were so many things to love about him that I could’ve spent endless days counting them off, but I would save those days for when I could tell him myself.
So instead I smiled softly and answered, “Alessio. I can’t live without him.”
Archbishop De Vecchi nodded once and sat back in his chair. “Then your path is clear. Go love him as the man you have become. You have made your choice, and I absolve you.”
It finally hit me then, as I sat across from the man who’d once told Alessio to let me go, and bowed my head as he began topray over us, that I was not betraying God after all. I was finally choosing honestly, without fear or grief or pressure, because my faith wasn’t diminished by my loving Alessio and choosing to spend the rest of my life with him.
It was completed.
The way it always should’ve been.
31
ALESSIO
THE SUN HAD just disappeared behind the spier of St. Andrews as the night enveloped the city.Manhattan was beautiful during the day, but at night, it was like a whole other world. A world where the impossible could become possible.
It was a place for the hungry. A place for dreamers.
And I was coming to realize I was a little bit of both.
The lights for the church gardens came on, illuminating the fountain and roses below, and as I stared down at the sacred space, my chest tightened.
Rafael had gone to visit with Archbishop De Vecchi this afternoon, and if I were being honest, I wasn’t feeling all that confident about the outcome. But that was where the dreamer side of me was coming into play—or maybe it was the delusional moron—because despite knowing how much De Vecchi disliked me, I was holding fast to the notion that he cared for Rafael and would hopefully offer up the reassurance he was searching for.
If not, I was totally screwed.
It was a shit position to be in. One I didn’t like. I was the kind of guy who liked to take care of matters himself. The kind of guy that, if I wanted something, I went after it and got it. It was amindset I’d had even as a kid. But also one that had been honed when I joined the Kings.
We didn’t wait around for things to happen. Wemadethem happen.
But all I could do now was sit and wait.
I sighed and made myself move away from the window and find something else to do. Maybe time would pass faster if I wasn’t staring out the window wishing it by. Rafael had said he’d call when he finished talking with De Vecchi, and I just needed to be patient.
