I felt the sting behind my eyes, the way my heart clenched. I laced our fingers between us and brought them up to my lips, unable to voice anything in that moment, grateful he finally understood the depths of my devotion.
“Archbishop De Vecchi is coming in town this week,” he said. “I’ve requested a meeting.”
My eyes shot up to his. “Uh, last time you spoke to him, it didn’t end so well for me.”
“This time will be different.”
“How? Father Dickhead hates me.”
A faint smile tipped one side of his mouth. “He does not.”
“He absolutely does. And maybe I shouldn’t admit this, and no way in hell does he know, but one time I redirected the review section of the Adam and Eve sex toys website to his personal email for approval.”
“You did what?”
“I was pissed. But don’t worry, I cleared the history after a week when he didn’t stroke out from the content.”
Rafael laughed, his head falling back on the pillow, and it made me grin.
“Does that mean you approve?”
“Absolutely not,” he said once he’d caught his breath and wiped at his eyes. “Maybe if he knew about that, he might think differently, but he doesn’t hate you. I wouldn’t trust him for guidance if he did.”
“Well, I trustyou, so…” I pressed a kiss against his ribs, then another across the bar that went through his nipple. “These are so hot.”
Rafael grunted. “Notwhy I got them.”
“Will you tell me why?”
Rafael reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, then traced his fingers down to my chin to hold it steady. “You already know I got them when you came back into my life.”
“Right. But if not for pleasure…?”
He swallowed. “Seeing you again brought back to life feelings I thought I’d dealt with both physically and emotionally. But when I saw how much you hated me?—”
“Not hate.”
Rafael stroked a thumb along my lower lip. “Were upset with me, then. It was too much. I deserved to be punished for doing that to you, deserved the same kind of pain I could see in your eyes every time you looked at me. Pain I’d put there.”
He sighed and let go of my face, but I quickly picked up his hand and brought it to my mouth, kissing his palm. “That’s not on you.”
“Yes, it is. You always had such a light about you. I took that away.”
“So you’d hurt yourself?”
“I’d— Yes.”
I shook my head, my eyes searching the sorrow etched into the lines on his handsome face.“Coming to you for my brothers was only part of the reason I sought you out. The minute I heard you were back from Italy I wanted to come to you, but I was scared you wouldn’t see me. My brothers seemed the only sure way. You were too good a soul to turn away a person—or several—in need. But I didn’t count on how hard it would be. Seeing you so close yet still so far away from me. It was…”
“Like heaven and hell had collided?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “But I couldn’t stay away. I tried. I’d come to church with the guys but stay out of the confessional. But then I’d go home at night and watch you from my place, greedy for any kind of connection with you, even if it was one-sided.”
Rafael sat up and cradled my face between his hands. “It wasn’t. It never was. You and I were always two parts of the same puzzle. Light and dark?—”
“Good and bad?”
“A believer and a realist. But the one thing that was always clear to everyone around us was the picture we made when we came together—love.” He lowered his forehead to mine and took in a deep breath. “And that never changed. I love you, Alessio. I know I’ve hurt you. I’ve made choices for the both of us that hadfar-reaching consequences, but the one thing I never stopped doing, the one thing I willneverstop doing, is loving you. So now it’s your choice.” Rafael’s grey-blue eyes met mine. “Can you ever forgive me for taking your choice away? For running? For robbing us of all this time?”
