Rafael’s jaw twitched. “I didn’t deny us. I made a choice.”
“A sacrifice, you mean.”
“I did what I needed to,” he said, his voice more firm and controlled. “I did what I believed was right.”
“For who?” I demanded. “Because it sure as hell wasn’t for me.”
A burst of cheers and laughter came from somewhere behind us, so at odds with what was happening here that I felt like I was losing my mind.
“You have no idea what you do to me,” I said, not needing any tequila this time. “How much you fuck with my head. I wake up every day knowing I can’t have you—knowing I never will—and then I get to watch everyone else get the love that they want like it’s easy.”
Rafael’s lips parted, and I finally saw a flicker of emotion on that beautiful, perfect face.
I gestured in the direction of my friends, grateful they couldn’t see me making a fool of myself. “This is all bullshit. You keep showing up in my life just enough to keep me unsteady. Just enough to keep me hoping.”
“I never asked you to hope.”
“No,” I said. “You just let me. You want to be friends and sit across from me and pretend nothing ever happened. That you didn’t ever want me too.”
His eyes darkened. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Tell the truth?”
“I’m still human,” he said, his voice low. “And I’m still trying to live with myself.”
“Well, congratulations. So the fuck am I.”
“You think this has been so easy for me?” He shook his head. “That I just made a decision and walked off into the sunset? Leaving you was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made in my life. It was one I struggled with daily through seminary school, and the nights? They were the worst. But I prayed on it?—”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “I’m sure you fuckin’ did.”
“—and asked for guidance. I begged for some sign that I’d done right by me and you for years. And you know what happened?”
Rafael took a step closer to me, and it took every ounce of control I had not to jump back.
“You showed up at my church,” he said, his eyes searching my face. “You showed up looking for direction, confession, and peace. You came looking for me and I was there for you.”
“I came looking for you because of my brothers.” I angled my chin up, not about to admit that when the shit had hit the fan all those years ago, Rafael’s face was the one I’d wanted to see. Theone I knew would calm me. “I came to you because I knew you could help them.”
“That was the sign, don’t you see?” His smile was so genuine it seemed to light him up from inside, and damn if I didn’t hate God for that. Rafael really believed what he was saying. “My decision was the right one.”
I refused to believe that. He could’ve been there for me as a partner, lover, my forever. He was delusional if he thought the only choice had been priesthood.
“By the way, I like your hair.” The words were so quietly spoken that I thought I’d misheard him. “I know you think I disapprove of it, but I don’t. I think it suits you.”
The air between us changed then, becoming something more charged and dangerous.
Was he kidding with this shit? What did he expect me to say to that?Thanks, I like your white robes?You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and I would sell my soul to feel your lips against mine again?
Actually, Icouldsay all of that, or…
Fuck it.I had nothing else to lose.
I grabbed hold of the pristine robe draped around his shoulders and pulled him in a step until our toes touched, and before he could reprimand me—or shove me away—I captured Rafael’s mouth with mine.
The second our lips met, it felt like a bolt of lightning struck me, the electricity crackling through me and leaving a burning path along my veins. I’d expected to be thrust away, shouted at, condemned to hell and back, but instead, God was striking me down where I stood.
Oh well, if I was going to die, it might as well be from kissing the most beautiful man in the world.
