“How are you feeling?” He asks.
“Good, actually. One less person making the world a shitty place.”
He dips his chin in agreement. “Good.”
“I have to admit,” I say, attempting to lighten whatever somber mood he seems to have sunk into, “despite me being tricked into all of this, it’s been therapeutic in a really fucked up sort of way.”
His expression falls, but the shift is so quick I wonder if Ihad imagined it before he chuckles softly. “I’m glad. You seem to be so much more full of life lately.”
The observation catches me off guard, but I realize he’s right. It’s not like I’m miraculously better from the darkness that’s plagued me for most of my life, but that deep, constant, gnawing pain in my chest has lessened into a dull, occasional ache. It’s much more bearable than it used to be. Maybe it’s because—ironically—I feel less trapped than I did before, like there’s at least a light at the end of this tunnel. Something worth fighting for.
I also have a purpose driving me. Sure, maybe it’s murder, but a goal is still a goal, no matter how fucked up it might be.
The silence stretches between us after I shut the front door behind me, neither of us knowing what to say after the day we’ve had.
“It’s late,” Ambrose says. “You should go to sleep.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to.” The residual thrill of today is still thrumming in my veins, and I’ll likely crash hard once it wears off. But there will be no sleep for at least a couple more hours.
“What shall we do, then?”
“Will you read to me?”
I wait for him to make some sarcastic quip, but he doesn’t. He simply smiles and nods. “Yes. Go shower and change into something more comfortable and meet me in the living room.”
I do as he says, going upstairs to peel off my dress and scrub myself thoroughly in the shower before slipping into sweatpants and a t-shirt. By the time I make it back downstairs, he has also changed, though he makes the fitted black t-shirt and flannel pajama pants look just as good as the suithe was wearing before. He’s thumbing through the books on the shelf when I sink onto the couch.
He turns his head toward me. “Any requests?”
“Hmm… I want you to read me the poem that means the most to you.”
He pauses a moment to consider, running a hand through his hair before he focuses his attention back on the bookshelf and hums to himself as he searches for a specific book.
Once he finds the small paperback, he reclines into his armchair facing me and glances up. “Ready?”
I nod.
Ambrose flips to a page in the middle of the book. “This is another one you’ll probably recognize, but I’ve loved it since the first time I heard it. It’s called ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.’” He clears his throat before he begins to read.
As always, his low, rich voice lulls me into stillness, but there’s a heaviness in his voice tonight that permeates every word.
The poem is a desperate plea from the narrator to a dying man, imploring him to fight against death instead of giving in easily.
“Rage, rage, against the dying of the light,” he reads. The line resonates throughout the poem along with the title line. It’s powerful yet heartbreaking.
When he finishes reading the poem, he sighs and closes the book.
“Does it still hurt as much as it used to?” I ask, knowing from the pained, sentimental look in his eyes that he’s thinking about the woman he lost so many years ago.
“It never really stops hurting, but with time, it changes into a different sort of pain. When you love someone sodeeply, there will always be a part of you that’s broken once they’re gone.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be. It actually helps to talk about it after so long of keeping it inside. But like I said before, she lived a full, happy life, and that’s all she had ever wanted.”
“Do you think you’ll ever love again?”
Ambrose pauses. “Yes,” he finally answers, holding my gaze. “Love is not finite. My love for her does not inhibit my ability to love again. But… it’s difficult to allow myself the vulnerability of caring so deeply for someone knowing I’ll outlive them. I’m destined to experience the worst sort of heartbreak with every person I love.”
