I had wondered what would win over—Joel’s need for control or his desire to maintain theimageof control. He must’ve preferred not to tell his cop buddies that his wife ran away. I’m sure that would shatter his illusion of superiority when his coworkers would ask questions or rib him about not being able to control his woman.
I’m sure he crafted up some clever story about me spending time with my parents, even though I haven’t spoken to them in years.
Oh well. At this point, I hope to never see Joel or anyone from my old life again. Once I’m free from Ambrose, I’ll beforging my own path, starting from scratch. How or where or when, I’m not sure, but for once, the haziness of the future doesn’t scare me—it impels me.
I close the tab with my name typed in the search bar and go back to scrolling the local news site. It doesn’t take long for me to come across something that snags my attention. I recognize the man’s name and, after reading the first paragraph, I realize it’s an article about the pastor I had seen on the news last week. He’d been manipulating the elderly members of his church into signing over their assets to the church and, by association, him.
As the week has passed, more people have come forward about the pastor, including members of a church he led ten years ago in a different state. Apparently this isn’t the first time he’s found himself embroiled in a scandal.
My blood boils when I see the claims made against him from members of his former church, though. A woman in her early twenties has come forward to recount not only the abuse she suffered from her parents, but the way the pastor had covered it up.
Her quote in the article is heartbreaking.
“I thought I would be able to trust him. He preached every Sunday about acting with virtue, loving others the way God loves us, and speaking the truth. So I confided in him. I showed him my bruises, told him about the fear my brother and I experienced every day. I was only nine years old, and I thought he would help me. Instead, he used Bible verses to convince me it was my fault.”
A couple lines later, she quotes the verses. “They’ve stuck in my head ever since. ‘For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.’ He had told me that I deserved discipline for my perceived disobedience and claimed that this was God strengthening my spirit.All I wanted was to feel safe as a child, and instead he had made me believe the abuse was my fault.”
My eyes brim with furious tears, not only with empathy for this girl who went through so much, but also because I had fallen into something so similar with Joel. For a long time, I had thought that if I was a better wife—if I looked prettier, had more patience, gave him what he wanted—that the abuse would stop. If only I could be good enough, I’d deserve the safety and happiness I so desperately desired. It took too long for me to realize that wasn’t how it worked.
And this poor girl had only been a child.
This article is all the confirmation I need to mentally add him to my list of victims.
Is this enough proof to determine if he deserves to die? Maybe, maybe not. But I need to kill regardless, and I’d rather kill someone like him than someone who at leastattemptsto be a good person. People will commit great acts of evil if they’re convinced they have the moral high ground. Killing in the name of God, oppression in the name of maintaining superiority. The more I see it, the more sickening it becomes.
Besides, I plan on getting a full confession this time, by any means necessary.
CHAPTER 23
“Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.”
- Blaise Pascal
Islide into a pew in the back of the church just as the service begins. This morning, I made the fifty-minute drive here after spending last night preparing everything I’d need. My plan is much clearer than the last murder I committed, and though I haven’t worked out every detail, I’ve come prepared.
I set my tote bag on the pew beside me, grateful that this isn’t one of those churches that’s packed to the brim every Sunday. I’m sure Pastor Delaney’s recent sins coming to light doesn’t help attendance, though.
The first notes of the organ resonate through thechurch, and everyone rises. I follow suit, though I remain silent while those around me sing about amazing grace.
But despite my rather nefarious reasons for being here, I’m able to enjoy the music. There’s something about a room full of people singing together that alleviates the weight of reality and suspends everyone in a sense of togetherness, at least until the music stops.
I’m almost relaxed when the final song fades out, but then Pastor Delaney steps up to the pulpit to deliver his sermon, and I remember what I’m here to do. I sit along with the rest of the congregation, and my spine digs into the hard wooden pew.
He's younger than I expected, maybe early forties, with cropped brown hair and the kind of face that probably photographs well for the church’s website. He wears slacks and a white button-down collared shirt.
“Today,” he begins, his deep voice filling the room, “I want to talk about trials and tribulations.”
Of course you do, I think bitterly.
“We all face challenges in our walk with God,” he continues, making eye contact with various members of the congregation. His gaze pauses on me, but only for a second. “But it's how we handle these challenges that defines us as Christians.”
The woman in front of me nods earnestly, and I suppress a surge of anger. He's using their faith against them, twisting scripture to serve his own ends. So many people come to church for community and spiritual guidance with the desire to live righteously, only for men like him to use their influence for selfish manipulation.
“Consider Job,” he says, flipping open his Bible. The rustle of pages flipping sounds as members of the congregation open their Bibles. “A righteous man who lost everything—his wealth, his children, his health. And yet, he never lost his faith.”
I clench my teeth so hard my jaw aches. Is this his way of justifying what he's done? Comparing himself to Job because he finally got caught in his corruption? Nothing like justifying your sins by cherry picking Bible stories, I guess.
“When we face accusations and trials,” he continues, and there's a subtle emphasis on 'accusations' that makes it clear he’s still attempting to claim innocence, “we must remember that God is refining us through fire. That these challenges are opportunities for our faith to grow stronger.”
