He rose. The room wobbled.
“Darius, no.” Anthony stood too. “You were always frantic after a black mood, immediately wanting to fix things. I only saw them come upon you twice before you moved here to take over Hawthorne Park. Both times, after you became more yourself, you were anxious about everything.”
“Became more myself?I don’t even know who I am since these started.” Darius sank back into the chair. “I’m not like you, confident in doing whatever you wish and not caring about what others think or even what your family thinks.” He’d always looked down upon Anthony’s penchant for flitting about—yet even after marrying, he and his wife continued to do secret investigations for various peers.
Anthony laughed. “Be like me? On no, brother. I thought I was expendable, being the fourth son. It was Mother who told me I had the freedom to do and be whatever and whoever I liked. Since I found gambling boring and horse breeding predictable, I had to search for what my life was meant for. It wasn’t until I stepped in when a village lad was being beaten upon by a few Eton boys that I understood I was meant to help people. If you don’t know who you are, then you can decide who you want to be. You’re a tabula rasa.”
Darius gripped the arms of the chair, needing to do something but having no direction. “I’m hardly that. I have to be the heir—I can’t choose. My life is set before me. I have produced an heir and must have additional sons to ensure our line continues.” And he wanted more than anything to continue the line with Ellie by his side, but how could he fix what he’d done?
Anthony finally sat again. “Then we know two things about you. You’re not like Lord Durham, who is squandering away his inheritance frequenting the gaming hells. You’re responsible. You care about those who depend upon you.”
“Yes. And I need to get back to my wife and explain, or at least tell hersomething. I must make my children’s first proper Christmastide a happy one.” He stood quickly. This time the room tilted so much that he fell back into the chair. His stomach didn’t like the feeling either, and he took deep breaths, hoping not to embarrass himself before his little brother by vomiting.
“You can’t. Not yet. I don’t know why you’re cursed with these black moods and subsequent agitated periods, but Lissa thinks they may be due to a physical anomaly.”
“Lissa thinks? What does she know about the body?” Darius paused. “And how does she know I have a concussion?” If she was wrong, he might be able to get to Ellie before dark.
“I forget that your most recent marriage did not follow the usual courtship.” Anthony rose again before going to the sideboard and bringing back the teapot, refilling Darius’s cup. “My wife, like yours, attended the Belinda School for Curious Ladies. There, as part of their first-year curriculum, they were educated on the human body and how to attend to illnesses, broken bones, diseases, and even sword and gunshot wounds. You see, the Duchess of Northwick has a strong and distinct dislike of physicians. The reason behind that is a far longer tale, but she ensures that all the ladies have these skills, and they are sworn to send for her if what they encounter is beyond their abilities. Under no scenario are they to send for a physician.”
Even as Anthony explained, Darius remembered the confidence with which Ellie had attended to Peter not once, but twice, as well as her insistence that no physician be called, but Lady Northwick could be if needed. Still, it was such an unusual phenomenon that he couldn’t help sharing his doubt. “And do we know if the duchess has any skill in this area? From my one meeting with her, it appears her interest was more of the intellectual pursuit as opposed to the practical application.”
Anthony, who had returned the teapot to the sideboard, grinned. “Because she saved my life after I was shot and bleeding to death.”
“What? You were shot? Where? When?” The fact that his brother, who was always too full of life for his own staid views, could have died had Darius’s stomach clenching for a far more serious reason than standing.
“Not to worry. As you see, I am quite fine now, but it wasn’t a sure thing. I was shot by a former soldier while attending my captain’s wedding, or rather the Viscount of Blackmore’s wedding. Her Grace is not only well studied but has applied her knowledge, so I am here to tell you today. That is to say, if my wife or your wife tell you what to do based on whatever malady you have, you should listen.”
He was still imagining his life without Anthony and the agony that would be, when he realized he would never have married Ellie if not for the duchess’s skills. “Then what you are saying is that no matter how strongly I feel that I must fix my marriage as best I’m able this very moment, I cannot do so now.”
“Exactly.” Anthony grinned.
“I understand. I am not happy this is the way it has to be, and come tomorrow—” Darius froze, frantic that he’d slept too long. “Tell me, is tomorrow Christmas Day?”
“It is.”
That meant the yule log would be set afire and he would not be there. The house was even now being decorated with greenery. Did Ellie have the children helping? Was she with the children at all, or was she so furious with him that she had no desire to be in their company? At that thought, a memory of the hurt in her gaze resurfaced, and he groaned.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked at his brother. “I hurt her. And then I didn’t explain why. The mood was still upon me, and I tried so hard not to say the wrong thing, but I know she feels betrayed.”
Anthony’s blue gaze didn’t leave him. “Why did you not tell her of your black moods? Surely you didn’t think you could hide it from her for the rest of your life?”
“When you have these, you don’t think your life will be very long. So yes, I thought to hide them from her until that time.”
His brother’s face paled considerably. “Then they have become worse.”
Darius started to nod, then stopped. “Yes.”
“I had feared so when you requested a wife. Now that she knows, will you tell her the truth?”
Would he? “I told Dinah, and it ended all communication I had with her. She called me a madman. I call myself a monster. I’m not sure I could bear what Ellie might call me.” He paused, not sure he could communicate the depth of his feelings. “Anthony, having seen what life could be like with her, I’m not sure I could continue if I don’t have her.”
His brother audibly sucked in his breath. “You love her. I didn’t expect that.”
“Neither did I. But she’s everything I could ever want in a wife. More than that, she’s special, unique, and if it weren’t for my damned black moods, we would fit together well, like a bow and arrow.”
Anthony raised his brows. “Truly? I understand she may be lacking in a few areas, though she surpasses expectations in others.”
