A husband. She wished she could continue to spend time with him and still have her independence, but that wasn’t done among women of her class unless she wanted to be shunned by society. Then she’d have no students.
On the other hand, she loved him. She wanted to wake up next to him, debate the latest news over breakfast, balance his ledgers, enjoy his family, and read every book in his collection, even the ones like the one she’d already read. She glanced at the seat next to her, the book still wrapped in brown paper, his gift to her. The cool coach suddenly felt warm at that idea. She wanted to try every position and—
“You’re very quiet, Joanna. What is it?”
She started, completely forgetting about Mariel. If there was anyone she could talk to, it would be her. “I’m torn.”
“Tell me. Mayhap I can help.”
“I’m in love with James, the duke.”
Her sister smiled warmly. “I know.”
“You do?” She threw her hand up. “And here I thought I hid it so well.”
They both chuckled. It felt good, but it didn’t take away her problem. “But I never plan to marry. Am I to give up my independence for something I never wanted?”
Mariel’s hand flew to her chest. “Did he propose?”
“He made his intentions clear, but I distracted him. All my reasons for not marrying remain. All that has changed is I’ve fallen in love. I want Jamesandmy independence. How can I do that?”
“I don’t think I understood exactly how important it was to you to remain independent until this moment. To love someone and not want to marry him is beyond my understanding.”
She sighed, her hope for help melting away. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with him. I do. But I can’t change who I am. I can’t suddenly enjoy hosting dinner parties and embroidering. I still want to run my school at Silver Meadows, attend lectures, discover new books. But I want to be with him too.” She let her head fall back against the seat. Did she want too much from life?
“Joanna, I wouldn’t usually suggest this, but if Lord Northwick knows you as well as I do, and loves you, then I would tell him how you feel just as you told me.”
“Tell him? He’s a duke.”
Mariel smiled. “Yes, but he’s a duke who loves you. Trust me on this. If you love each other, you can figure it out, especially with all that knowledge the two of you have in your heads.” She shook her head. “Sometimes I think it just makes things more complicated.”
“Now that I can agree with.” She gave her sister a smile, but wasn’t sure. How would she feel if James wanted her in his life, but didn’t want to marry her so he could pursue his interest in something else and have his independence. And worse, what if she told him how she felt, and he decided he’d be better off with a more traditional woman? Her heart lurched.
Bloody hell.
*
James couldn’t believehow much more he enjoyed the social events of London now that he officially courted Joanna. To dance with her, talk with her, enjoy her conversation and especially her observations made every new outing an adventure. For a city he despised for taking his mother, he now found a place for it in his life because of Joanna. He ached to have her alone again, but her parents had suddenly become quite vigilant about her reputation, which he was both pleased and frustrated by.
Joanna’s hesitancy to discuss marriage was also frustrating. If their conversation moved in that direction, she quickly distracted him with another topic. Tonight, he was determined to ask her directly if she wanted him as a husband. The idea that she would reject him had his panophobia hysterica returning, but his confidence in her love kept it at bay. He’d get a special license immediately if she would agree, but something held her back and he had to discover what.
He scowled as two gentlemen approached her and his aunt. Joanna’s emerald-green gown brought out that color in her eyes, making her look particularly vibrant. Introductions were being made, not that he was surprised. What gentleman wouldn’t want to meet her? But she was his. Moving through the crowd as quickly as he could with two cups of punch, he almost bumped into her father. “Excuse me, Lord Wakefield.”
“Your Grace, I was hoping to discuss this latest invention by Robert Stirling. Do you have a moment?”
The two men before Joanna laughed at something she said. Swallowing a growl, he gave a quick nod. “I would enjoy that very much. I will be sure to call on the morrow so we may do so.” Before her father could respond, he was stepping past and around the dancers at the end of the line. He was just feet away when the two men moved on.
“There you are.” Aunt Louisa smiled as she held her hand out. “We had become quite parched.”
He forced himself to stop scowling as he handed them the drinks. “Who were those men?”
Joanna studied him. “They were Teddy’s friends back from the continent. I only met one of them before, so he introduced us.” She cocked her head. “Why?”
He shrugged, relieved that the men were too young for her, at least in his estimation. “Curiosity. I hadn’t seen them before.”
“Are you jealous, James?” His aunt’s question made him more than a little uncomfortable.
He raised his brows. “Not that I am aware.”
