For the first time since she met him, he wouldn’t meet her gaze. His right hand fingered one of his coat buttons and in that brief moment, she could imagine him as a little boy, abandoned by his parents and unsure of how to proceed in the world. The image was revealing, cutting through some of her own pain.
Though he continued to look down, he finally answered her. “That was my fault. I realized after I had kissed you that I had been walking one path but believing in another. I had been raised like any other young man, to look for certain qualities in a woman and so upon meeting Lady Caroline, I had pursued her as she met every one of my standards.”
Even though she was well aware of it, hearing him say it had her swallowing hard, determined to argue the point further. “Exactly, so why should she be jealous of me, of all people?”
He finally met her gaze. “Because my standards changed when I came to know you. Everything about you is the opposite of what I was taught, yet it was you I wanted to spend time with. It was you I talked about with her because it was you I wished to converse with. It was you I wanted to hold in my arms and kiss until you couldn’t stand on your own feet any longer.”
She sucked in her breath as his words sent a thrill ricocheting throughout her body.
“I finally recognized that I didn’t want a woman like Lady Caroline and without saying so, I pulled away from whatever our relationship might have been construed as. She felt it at the ball, and I believe that is what motivated her.”
He dropped his hand from his coat and straightened. “Though Elsbeth revealed your school and Lady Caroline went about undermining it, I was the root cause. Despite changing how I felt about what I wanted in the woman for me, I continued in my old behaviors. The reason I have been trying to talk to you is to ask your forgiveness.”
Her mind was awhirl with all the information, but her heart beat so hard, she couldn’t think.
He stepped toward her. “I haven’t begged anyone to take me since my mother left Haven House to sail for America. Not even after her ship sank in a wreck off Fire Island taking her and my older sister to a watery grave, did I beg my father to take me.” He reached for her hands and grasped them in his. “But Joanna, I’m begging you to take me. Forgive my mistakes. I am not infallible as much as I try to be. You have opened my eyes to what a life between equals could be like, and it is wonderous.”
She sniffed, her eyes filling with tears. Never in her wildest imaginings did she envision a humble James baring his soul to her. Her heart squeezed as his gaze searched hers, hope in his eyes. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she licked her lips. “Yes, I can forgive you.”
His eyes widened before his lips moved upward into a brilliant smile. He dropped her hands and cupped her face. “I love you, Joanna Mabry.”
Before she could say a word, his lips descended and she was wrapped in the scent of bergamot, her body seeming to float as happiness filled her from the very core of her heart. She kissed him back, every second washing away the pain of the last month, the hurt dissolving in the honesty and warmth of the man before her.
A man cleared his throat nearby, and she stiffened.
James immediately broke their kiss, brushing a tear from her cheek.
The man grinned and winked before attending to the conversation of the lady on his arm.
“I suppose this is not the proper place to be kissing you, but I can’t say I’m sorry.” He grinned like a young boy caught with his hand in the Christmas pudding.
She still reeled from his confession, too delighted to dredge up any concern about impropriety, but she did feel her own sense of guilt. “I should not have accepted what I heard. I know the kind person you are. I should have listened to you. Maybe we could have figured this out together that very night.”
He tucked her arm under his. “All I care about is that we now know what occurred and you are back in my arms. I don’t believe I have ever been this happy before. I wonder what the great philosophers would say about that.”
She could feel it too. “Robert Herrick said ‘it takes great wit and interest and energy to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a great activity. One must be open and alive. It is the greatest feat man has to accomplish.’ Of course, he was a poet, so his wisdom is circumspect.”
“True, but I do think there is a kernel of truth in that last sentiment. Happiness does feel as if it is a great accomplishment. I believe many people simply exist in a comfortable place, but is it a happy one?”
She tried to keep her mind on their conversation, but it was difficult. As much as she enjoyed their talks, she felt more like jumping, or running, or spinning, though she’d learned that was not the best idea. She was just too filled with joy. “My thought is that there are multiple levels of happiness, everything from contentment to blissful joy.”
He halted them at her comment. “I want you to know blissful joy.”
“I think I already do.” She smiled at him, her own feelings for him filling her soul.
He shook his head far longer than usual. “No, not yet. But I promise you, you will.”
Something in his gaze, now lit by the myriad lanterns near the pavilion, promised her something beyond the realm of her experience and her breath caught as tingles of pleasure skittered along her skin.
“I’d best you get you back to your parents before they grow concerned.”
She waved off his comment. “They know I’m fine.”
He gave her a lopsided grin. “No, I meant they might be concerned about me being in your presence so long. It was obvious you told them what happened, and they are not happy with me.”
“True.” She chuckled. “Will you join us for ice cream?”
He shivered. “No, I need to make an appearance at a recital and let Elsbeth know if you are talking to me again. She was worried you’d blame her. She felt very guilty.”
