She picked up her utility knife and dropped it in the duffle bag. “Yuma.”
“Yuma?” His mind was processing a lot faster than his heart was. “Why, Yuma?”
She shrugged. “Why not? Home is wherever I drop my bag. I told you that.”
She turned back to the nightstand, but he grabbed her by the shoulders and made her face him. “So why not Wickenburg?”
She frowned. “Wickenburg? There’s a job available there?”
“No, but it’s where I live. If you have to leave here then come live with me. It’s a big house. I could give you your own space.”
Her gaze left his. “I can’t.”
“Why not? I thought we got along pretty well in the mine.”
She shrugged off his hands. “That was different. Luckily, life isn’t like being buried alive.”
He fisted his hands at his side. “It’s also not meant to run away from. I know you felt something.” He held up his hand as she opened her mouth, “and don’t try to tell me it was just the situation that made us seem close.”
She looked down. “No. It wasn’t.”
“Then why are you intent on leaving here? Leaving me?”
She walked around the second bed, obviously wanting space between them. The action cutting into him more than she knew. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.” He folded his arms across his chest. There was nothing she could say that would convince him this was right. Not when he knew she was right for him.
She waved her hand between them. “I don’t do this. I don’t connect with people. It doesn’t work for me.”
Baffled, he shook his head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean the whole rescue, people looking for me, the dog, you. I don’t want people caring about me. I don’t want to care about people. It only leads to pain. I’ve had enough pain. I can’t do it again. It will kill me.”
Now this was the woman he’d been trapped with. “It doesn’t have to lead to pain. It can lead to joy and happiness.”
She shook her head. “Not for me. It always leads to pain. Everyone dies on me. It’s better not to connect. Then it doesn’t matter. No one matters. I don’t matter.”
He strode around the bed and cupped her face. “But you do matter. You matter to me.”
For a moment, a second, he saw it in her dark eyes. She did feel for him. It was there. Just as his heart jumped at the knowledge, she pulled away. “No, I don’t. You will have a better life without me in it. You know, better than anyone, I’m a mess. You don’t need that. You deserve a hero’s wife. Not a screwed-up vet who can’t even keep a gold fish alive.”
Her rejection hurt, but still he tried. “You have it backwards. I’m the one that’s scarred and you’re the hero. You’re the soldier who defended our country. What have I done? I defended houses and screwed up. I don’t deserve you, but I want you anyway.”
She shook her head. “Don’t you see. I can’t care. I suck at it. I’ve tried. I failed my mother. I couldn’t save my sister. I led my men into an ambush. Everyone is better without me. I have to go. You’ll find someone better than me.”
“There is no one betterforme.” He stared at her, the pain in his chest growing even as he tried to deny what was happening.
“Yes, you will. You belong here. With friends and family. I don’t. I don’t do friends and family.” She brushed by him and moved to the dresser and opened a drawer. Pulling out three pair of jeans, she threw them in the duffle bag and pointed. “This is my life. This is what I choose. I can’t lose another or I’ll lose what sanity I have left.”
Nausea started in the pit of his stomach as hurt and anger churned inside him. His voice rose of its own accord and he didn’t care. “You can’t live your life avoiding loss, it’s impossible.”
She rounded on him. “Really? Then why haven’t you found another dog? I’ll tell you why. Because you can’t handle loving something and losing it. Try that seven times over only with people. Then you can tell me what I can avoid and what I can’t!”
“You think I haven’t lost people? I’ve lost comrades to alcohol, fire, and cancer. I gave my heart to two women only to have them walk away because of my body, yet still I opened my heart again. This time to you.”
She backed up a step, shaking her head. “Why? Why would you do that?”
He advanced on her. “Because the reward is worth all the heartache that came before. The culmination makes everything else worth it. Human connection is the reason for living and loving others is being alive.”
