“That’s why you were so awkward helping me undress yesterday.”
“Yes. When I saw you that way…a part of me was disgusted with myself for even thinking about it. Gods, your body was ravaged, and yet the part of me that has experienced you, but has never actually tasted you, felt your warmth and desires you fiercely. At times, it takes every ounce of my training and restraint to tamp down my urges.” Hunger, pain, and, most predominantly, shame warred in his eyes.
Stars, it must have been torture for him. Tarrin wasn’t in control of this any more than I’d been in control of Amos’s wisp, and I wasn’t about to shame him for it.
“Stars, Tarrin. How have you done it all this time?”
“Well, if honesty is the theme of the moment, I didn’t feel any dissonance until you arrived. I’ve wondered if being within proximity of you has slowly disentwined me from Thaddeus, as if the part of you that cares for him wanted all of him, all his love. I think, deep down, the spark knew you weren’t receiving all of him.”
There was so much I didn’t know about my powers, so it was entirely possible. Perhaps last night had left that bond between them vulnerable, and my powers had taken advantage of it—or maybe not.
“Tarrin, is it possible that my powers had nothing to do with it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Think about it—what if something in Thaddeus’ spell broke your bond. Isn’t it possible when he chose to…when he cast that spell…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, to admit that Thaddeus had tried to kill Tarin last night—and perhaps me.
“Maybe.” Tarrin pondered it for a moment. “Maybe,” he echoed, as if taking in this new perspective and running his memories against it. “It’s even possible it started the moment Thaddeusdecided he didn’t want me to have access to you, to that part of him. I suppose either could be true.”
We sat in silence.
“Are you… Does this… I mean…” Tarrin groped for words. I’d never heard him stammer like this before. “Does this change things between you and me?”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “I’m not thrilled that I didn’t know. But that’s not on you, and I’ll have to decide what I’m okay with moving forward. I’m a lucky woman to have people care this deeply about me, in whatever way that is. I don’t begrudge you for this. You’ve never shown me anything but kindness, and you were brave enough to tell me the truth. Brave enough to save me. And, for that, I’m grateful. I am, however, seven kinds of pissed at Thaddeus.”
I squeezed his arm and gave him a small smile, hoping to convey the truth behind my words. He leaned back and let his head rest against the bark. I followed suit.
“Tarrin?” I let out a half-sigh. “I know I’ve asked you this already, but how the fuck are we going to get ourselves out of this?”
He gave me an amused smile. “Your use of profanity is always perfectly timed.” He chuckled before sobering again. “I think we have to make our way back. Face what happened. I might not be able to feel Thaddeus anymore, but I can only imagine the amount of guilt he’s holding on to right now.”
I shot him a look.
“I know. I know. It doesn’t forgive what happened, and I’m seven kinds of pissed at him too, but I still think going back is the right choice. Truthfully, it’s the only choice.”
He was right. There really was no other choice, even though returning to my family’s cabin and living in the woods far, far away from all of this was beginning to feel like a much better option.
“When did life get so complicated?” I asked, kicking at the dirt with my heel.
He squeezed my hand. “I don’t think there is any path that would grant you immunity from your destiny, Ny. You were born with a giftbestowed by the ancients, meaning your life was complicated before you even existed. You and me, our lives aren’t our own.”
They were wise words, born from centuries of hardship and learning the hard way. I wondered if I’d ever be able to see my life that way, accept it for what it was—or if I’d continue to chafe against it.
Chapter 50
Shattered Ignorance
After resting for two more days, Tarrin and I decided to make our way south, back toward the palace.
About an hour in, I asked, “How long is it going to take us?”
Tarrin stopped and assessed me. “It would take me about a full day if I were on my own, but with the state you’re in, I’d say three. Maybe four,” he amended as he looked more closely at me.
“I’m notthatslow,” I groused.
“Ny, you still have extensive injuries. I’m surprised you haven’t asked if we could stop already, if I’m honest. We’ll go at a pace your body can handle. I don’t care if it takes a week, as long as we get there.”
“Fine,” I said, my tone sharper than intended.
