When his hand was a hair’s breadth from caressing mine, I pulled away, the instinct impossible to staunch, like someone flinching upon their fleshtouching a scalding pot.
His eyes widened, and I could have sworn indignation replaced all other emotions.
“You’re afraid of me,” he said.
He was right. I was afraid of him. Of touching him. The last time we’d been skin to skin, he’d taken something from me. Or I’d given it to him. I didn’t know which it was. Both, maybe? I couldn’t stop him yesterday, and it was at his mercy that I had experienced pain like never before.
I looked down at my palms, remembering how they’d clung to his muscled back—the inability to pull away, the helplessness. Not lifting my gaze, I swallowed, forcing myself to find words as my heart pounded. “I’m…I’m afraid of touching you, afraid that...I’m…”
Stars, what exactly was I afraid of? How could I describe it?
“I’m afraid of what happened yesterday happening again,” I said simply, not sure what else I could offer in explanation.
He tilted his head in confusion. “Yesterday was a success, Nyleeria. I don’t understand where this is coming from.” His voice was soft, calm, questioning.
“How could you possibly think yesterday was a success?” I blurted.
“How could you think it anything but? Did you not see the power I wielded? How I connected to your energy? That’s exactly what we were trying to do.”
“And look what it did to me, Thaddeus.”
“But you’re fine. I don’t understand. The first time you wielded your power, you almost died and didn’t hesitate to train again.” The intensity in his eyes deepened as he continued, “Iwas the one who beseeched you to not try again. The one who had to point out the severity of what had happened to you. Yes, you got sick yesterday and needed some time to recover, but I don’t understand how you were okay with almost dying that first time, but not okay with what happened yesterday.” Genuine confusion danced in his eyes.
It took me a moment to process his words. He was right. Everything he’d said was true. And, objectively, I could agree with thelogic, but it wasn’t the same as before; yesterday had been different, although I couldn’t articulate exactly why.
“Thaddeus,” I said, my voice soft. I wanted to tell him how it affected me, but I didn’t want to make him feel guilty, or to attack him for what had happened. Neither of us could have foreseen it—besides, it was my idea. I wanted to explain, to find the words. Needed him to understand why it was different, for his sake, and mine.
“When you tapped into my power, you pulled from me. The second you cast your spell, it—” I took a breath, remembering the pain. “It felt as if I’d been stabbed with a dagger.” His lips narrowed a fraction. Was it disbelief? Was he trying to understand? I wasn’t sure what the subtle change meant. “I no longer had control of myself. You’d taken over me. I couldn’t scream, move, I coul—” My voice broke, but I steadied myself. “I couldn’t stop you. I wanted to stop, Thaddeus, but you kept taking and taking. And then, when you finally released me, when you released the spell…” I hadn’t planned on explaining any further, didn’t want to, but he was just staring at me, waiting. Had I not explained it clearly enough? “Thaddeus, you were… It was as if you were high on my power and couldn’t see what you were doing to me. For you, it was…exulting. But for me, it was violating.”
After a few heartbeats, he said, “So, you’re okay with almost dying because it wasyouwielding the power, but you’re not okay with merely getting nauseous whenIwield it?” The words felt cold, as if I’d offended him.
“That’s not what I said, and it’s an oversimplification.”
“Is it?” He paused, as if waiting for me to challenge him. I didn’t. “Allow me to simplify all of this for you, Nyleeria.” The way he said my name felt like slick oil running down my spine. “As I see it, you haven’t been able to fully tap into your power. Gods know we’ve tried.” His voice was peppered with frustration and a touch of arrogance. “And I am sorry if that upsets you, but you said it yourself before you had me tap into your source—which you insisted on, I’llremind you—saying we don’t have the luxury of time. Ask yourself, Nyleeria, is it so violating to share your power with me that you’d rather refuse such a thing and put our people, our land, at risk? Put yourself at risk?”
I wasn’t sure what to do. What to say. Ihadsaid those words. Was it possible that he was right? That I was just being dramatic?
Before I could respond, he said, “When we were training, you said you’d rather endurethisso you never have to endure Amos again. I guess the question is, who do you find more violating, Nyleeria: Amos or me?”
His words hit like a blow, and I blinked in surprise. “That’s not fair,” I said in protest.
“Isn’t it?” Again, he paused to see how I’d respond. If I’d push it. But I kept silent. “You said I violated you, Nyleeria, and now you won’t let me touch you. You know how I feel about you, and for you to saythatword, the same word you used to describe Amos...”
Stars, I was beyond confused. Yesterday, it was clear—I’d never do that again. But as he looked at me, as his words sank in, I didn’t know what was right anymore. What to do. One thing was certain, though.
“You’re angry at me,” I said.
“I’m upset you didn’t consider my intent, Nyleeria.”
He was right. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, he had no idea how it was affecting me in the moment. How could he? I was out of my depth, and standing before me was the most patient and kind man I’d ever met—and he cared forme. Tarrin even implied Thaddeus’ feelings ran deeper for me than he’d allowed himself to show.
My body was still alight with warning, every cell wanting to disengage, flee. But I’d run too often when things got hard, and there was no hiding from this, from any of it, so I ignored the urge. Thaddeus was right; it had felt violating, but he wasn’t the one who’d violated me. And maybe we could find a way for it to feel less harrowing thenext time.
Biting down on my every instinct, I reached out a hand and placed it on his face. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Yesterday scared me, and I projected that on you. Blamed you. I’m sorry.”
“Me too. I’m sorry it felt as it did for you.”
He placed a hand under my chin and tilted it up to kiss me. Not deep. Not long. But one that reconnected us.
