I’d been too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t considered what those actions would have silently conveyed. Of course, that was the story he’d told himself. It’s surely the conclusion I would have come to as well.
“Oh, Thaddeus. No, you’ve done nothing wrong, I promise. I just…” How to explain what happened? What words would suffice? I opted to give him what I’d given myself these past few days—the raw, unvarnished truth.
“On the veranda, when Ava put the food down, she was so…formal with you.” His eyes narrowed slightly, confused. “The way she addressed you, it…well, it was a stark reminder that you’re King Thaddeus Artemis Alton the Third of the human realm.” He winced at the use of his full name, understanding beginning to dawn.
“It sounds stupid, but you’re the man who kept me tethered to this world when everything was falling apart. The one who showed me kindness. Who has taken care of me, protected me, and told me the truth. Who’s made love to me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I…I don’t see you as King Thaddeus, wielder of spells, ancient, powerful. I just see you as Thaddeus. And I know that’s naive, but…I don’t know, that’s just how it is for me, as if the rest of it doesn’t matter.” I looked at him, feeling vulnerable, beseeching him for a response, and bracing myself.
“And when she said those words, you felt…inadequate.” It wasn’t a question.
I held his gaze as I let my emotions through, let him see all of it.
“No.Inadequatewould have been a welcome feeling, comparatively. What I felt was worse thaninadequate; eveninsignificantandinconsequentialpale in comparison. The truth is, when I walked away, the exact thought that was going through my mind was…” My lip quivered at the words running through my mind, but I couldn’t give them sound. With a shaky voice and tears building in my eyes, I tried again. “The exact thought was,I’m a worthless piece of humanflesh.” The words were stifling, heavy, and I was stripped bare. But I held myself there, trusting him to receive my truth.
Disbelief and anguish stared back at me. He closed the gap between us and placed his hands on either side of my face, holding my gaze, frantically looking for something inside of me.
He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. My lids followed suit, and we sat there breathing in one another.
After a few long moments, he pulled his head away a fraction. Grip tightening, he said, “You’ve never talked about it, but I can tell the words of others haunt you, Nyleeria.” He kissed my forehead and pulled back again, intensity burning in his eyes. “I need you to hear me when I say, there is nothing”—he choked on the words as if it hurt him even to say them—“there is nothing inconsequential, insignificant, or inadequate about you. And you sure as hell aren’t worthless. Do you hear me?”
I cried in earnest.
“Oh gods, Nyleeria.” He pulled me in and wrapped himself wholly around me, as if he could protect me from this hurt, those thoughts, the words others had spoken.
He kissed the top of my head and held me tight, his body moving with mine as my sobs shook both of us.
I calmed after a time and drew back to look at him.
“Hi,” he whispered to me with a half-smile and wiped away my tears.
I smiled in turn. “Hi.”
He leaned down and kissed me deeply.
Releasing our kiss, lips hovering against mine, he said, “Why didn’t you let me in? Let me help?”
“I had to let myself in first.”
His lips met mine, softer—this time, as if in understanding.
Later, Thaddeus walked me back to my room. As I stood at the threshold, he looked down at me, a soft query in his eyes. I held my hand out and led him to the chair that I’d spent countless hours sitting in the past few days. There was no trace of what hadtranspired; Ava must have tended to the chamber after I’d left. He sat down, looking up at me, allowing me to take the lead so he could give me what I wanted in that moment.
It wasn’t sex I was looking for, but intimacy, connection.
I straddled him with one knee, then the other. His hands were instantly on my back, strong, firm, comforting. My eyes fell shut, and I let his closeness wash over me. How could the same chair evoke such different emotions? I heaved a sigh and looked down at him.
With long, stroking motions, I ran my fingers through his hair, repeating the motion. He closed his eyes and gave in into my touch. I dragged the backs of my fingernails along his scalp, and he let out a soft sound of pleasure.
Leaning down, I kissed him as deeply and as thoroughly as I could.
Unhurriedly, with no end goal in mind, we kissed each other, exploring in a way we hadn’t before. None of our touches, caresses, or kisses contained the hasty exploration of desire. No, it was something entirely different.
I lifted his shirt off, wanting to marvel at his perfection.
Thaddeus freed me from my top, gently kissing my exposed skin.
Reaching back, I unclasped my undergarment, letting it drop to the floor. He pressed me against him, skin on skin, chest to chest, running his hands up my back. The softness of our skin connecting was pleasurable, soothing, welcome.
It was everything I needed.
