I ruined those things.Lostthose things. I feel my eyes burn with the shame of it, a pounding taking up residence between my temples. She had stayed for so long, even while I’d become a monster worse than my brother had been... until I had given her no choice but to run from me. Ashes, could I have fucked this up any more?
I love her... but will she be able to ever love me back? Everforgiveme?
“Roshan?”
Her voice is low, and I let the rich sound of it fill me and give me courage. Sometimes the only way past something is through. Fero’s actions might not have been mine, but she had still been hurt because of them.
I swallow and turn. Slowly, reverentially, I letmyeyes drift over her: the light on her beautiful face, the luminous glow of her skin, the wild, tumbling wealth of silver-streaked hair, and that tremulous smile. Stars, I’ve missed her.
“Starling,” I whisper, mapping every single one of her beloved features and drinking her in as if she’s my sole reason for living. She is. She has always been.
“What are you doing?” she asks, walking over to me. “You’re going to be late to address your council.”
“There’s something I need to say to you first,” I say, voice thick.
Compassion blooms in those pretty gray eyes—there she is again, trying to safeguard me from myself, trying to absolve me. “I know, Ro. I felt it all. You don’t have to relive any of it.”
“I want to.” I reach for her palms and wait for her to place them in mine. I stroke their warm centers, grazing lines I’ve traced a thousand times. “You were always my spark of light when I was lost in the darkness. I’m so sorry for everything. I tried, you know. To fight him. I just couldn’t win. Thank you for believing in me.”
She bites her lip, cheeks flushing. “I’m not that selfless, Ro. Don’t make me out to be some kind of martyr. I thought you were lost. I gave up.”
“And I gave you no choice. Sometimes you have to let go of a sinking stone or risk being submerged yourself. I’m glad you did.” I swallow past the thickening knot in my throat, my voice cracking. “I’m glad you found someone whom you deserve... who deserves you.”
A frown forms on her brow. “What do you mean?”
“You’re married now,” I say. “Soul-fated to the king of Everlea, the man who saved my life. Or did I get that wrong?”
“You didn’t,” she replies quietly.
“Do you love him?”
Her eyelashes flutter. “Yes.”
A stabbing sort of agony pierces my chest at the thought of her in the arms of someone else... in the arms of a king who isn’t me... laughing with him...lovinghim. A person whom the fates and the gods had chosen for her. But Saru had said that I still have a chance.
Real love doesn’t have limits or constraints.
Love is whatever one needs it to be.
Tentatively, I pull her closer, reading her cues with trepidation, but she comes willingly and lets out a contented sigh once she’s cradled against my chest. It feelssogood to hold her. Her sweet jasmine scent blooms in my nose, and I breathe her in like she’s the only air I need to exist.
I tip her chin up, fingers feathering over her smooth jaw. “I hope we can find our way back to each other one day. Even if I might not deserve your forgiveness, even if I am much too late to make amends, I won’t stop trying.”
“It was never trulyyoudoing those horrible things, Ro,” she whispers, those beautiful gray eyes holding mine. “There’s nothing to forgive.” She rises onto her toes and presses her lips to mine in a sweet, chaste kiss for the briefest of seconds before she pulls away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” she says, blushing when she sees my astonishment.
“Why?” I ask hoarsely.
“I don’t even know if this is what you want...”
“Make no mistake, my starling, I’llalwayswant.”
Pressing her flush against me with a groan, I cup her jaw in both hands, threading my fingers through the mass of her hair, thumbs brushing over her cheekbones. Her lips part in unconscious invitation, and I claim her mouth with all the love and hope I have in my heart. She moans as her tongue sweeps hungrily along mine, and I devour her taste like a man starved.
The kiss feels like coming home.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Heat bursts between my legs and I squirm in my seat for the dozenth time.
