‘I know. But he was so full of remorse and things are better between us now.’
Alison knows her sister wouldn’t have told her all this if she really believed things were better. Imogen is too proud. She’s telling her this now because she’s scared.
‘Do you love him?’
‘I love part of him. He can be so kind and thoughtful. I love how he takes care of his mum. And I do think he loves me in his own way. He’s scared of losing me, that’s all.’
‘I’m sorry, but if he really loved you he wouldn’t treat you this way.’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘It is from where I’m standing.’
‘We hurt the people we love all the time.’
Alison takes a deep breath, trying not to be reactive when Imogen is clearly asking for advice. What she really wants to say to her sister is that she should dump his sorry arse right now, but she knows that’s not going to help and it might just make Imogen retreat further into herself. ‘The thing you need to ask yourself, seriously, is if he makes you a better person. If being with him brings out the best in you. Gareth makes me a better person. He is the calm to my storm. He is my moral compass. He makes me nicer, less prickly. He softens my edges.’
Imogen nods thoughtfully and then her face falls. ‘I don’t think he does. I’m not my honest, authentic self when I’m with him. I find myself lying so he doesn’t get angry and then I hate myself for it. And I don’t bring out the best in him either, do I? I make him insecure, jealous, controlling. I make him spy on me.’
‘You don’t make him do these things. That’s on him.’
Imogen sighs. ‘You know what I mean.’
It’s on the tip of Alison’s tongue to tell her sister she is in a toxic relationship and that Josh is being emotionally abusive, but she knows she has to tread carefully. The fact Imogen opened up about it is a massive leap in their relationship and the most honest they have been witheach other for a long time. She swallows down her anger. ‘Do you want to end things with him?’
‘I don’t know. I can’t imagine him not being in my life but I also can’t carry on living like this. There are so many things I’d like to do with my life. I’d like to travel, maybe work abroad. But Josh is so stagnant.’
‘Steady Eddie.’ Although in light of what Imogen has just said, not that steady at all.
‘Right. And it’s not as if we even talk about marriage or babies – I don’t even know if I want those things. Or just don’t want those things with Josh. But we don’t really talk about the future at all. It’s like we are in limbo. This house has been a great distraction but …’ She stops talking and Alison wonders why and then she realizes it’s because a dog is barking. ‘Is that Solly?’ She slows down and grabs Alison’s arm in panic. ‘Wait, where’s Lila?’
Alison scans the vicinity. She’s always prided herself on not being a neurotic parent, but Lila is only six. Still, the woods are enclosed and they aren’t very big. Plus she’s with Solly. ‘She can’t get lost in here …’
But Imogen has charged ahead, her expression tense with anxiety. ‘Come on,’ she cries. ‘You don’t understand what’s been happening around here. We need to find her, now!’
39
Imogen
I run through the woods, my heart hammering. I can hear Alison calling Lila’s name behind me. From somewhere in the wood Solly barks again. Is it a bark of warning, or distress? I follow the winding path to the bunker, almost tripping over a fallen branch, and then, thankfully, there she is, sitting cross-legged on the ground, twirling the stem of a rose between her fingers, Solly next to her pawing at the door to the bunker.
‘Are you okay?’ I say breathlessly to Lila. And then I notice it’s not just one rose; there’s a bouquet next to her.
Alison sprints up behind us, holding her ribcage. ‘Bloody hell, Immy.’ She bends over, trying to get her breath back.
‘I saw a man,’ says Lila.
‘What do you mean? What man?’ I hunker down so that I’m on her level. ‘Where did you get these flowers, Lila?’
‘The man dropped them.’
‘What did he look like?’
Lila shrinks back, her bottom lip wobbling. ‘Am I in trouble?’
Alison glares at me. ‘Of course not, sweetheart,’ she says, kneeling down, not caring that the knees of her jeans are getting muddy. ‘Aunty Immy was just a bit worried, that’s all. Where did you see the man?’
‘He was over there …’ She indicates the hatch.
