“I had a vision this morning. About you. I don’tthink what you think transpired the other night is what actually happened. I think Vada was trying to help you,” she said.
I tilted my head, fork halfway to my mouth for the next bite. “What do you mean?”
“I saw more of you than I think I ever wanted to see, bitch. That’s what I mean,” Poe replied, then proceeded to tell me what happened.
I wanted to say I was mortified, but honestly, I didn’t think I was. My powers were changing, and I had blacked out, but I didn’t know how Poe of all people hadn’t seen this coming. To the best of my knowledge, I hadn’t killed anyone since I was murdering people for my father, but I wondered if I had been blacking out more often than I remembered.
There were very few murders annually in St. Louis since thePaxwas established, but they still happened occasionally. Each faction dealt with it differently, and I was going to have to bring this to the attention of the rest of thePax. It was unprecedented since I currently held a place of authority, and I was typically the person who dealt out punishments to those in my faction.
The guilt left a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach as my death magic stirred in the back of my head, whispering its promises of retribution for actions that never warranted that kind of escalation. As my mind raced, I wondered if the escalation for murdering those two men was due to the power surges I had been experiencing over the last several weeks. I hadn’t murdered anyone since the war, and that ended over a century ago. I was raised to be an assassin, but I hated every single second of it and made it known as frequently as I could. My father, King Cernunnos ÓDubhlaoich, was a well-known tyrant, often murdering entire peoples in search of more power.
Losing my appetite, I set my fork down as I ran my hands over my face, my heartbeat pumping through the little veins across mytemples. I had to figure out why I’d murdered those men, and if it was in self-defense, or if I had done so because it was really who I was deep down. I used to relish in the kills, but that was another life. I hated being forced to, but my powers sang when I did.
I wasn’t as concerned about practically throwing myself at Vada, though. On the occasions where I was inebriated, I tended to become more affectionate with other beings. I was more concerned that my baser instincts of killing came so naturally, when at the front of my mind was always the concern about others’ safety and well-being. I guessed that I would need to face the internalized shame about my magic at some point, but that likely wouldn’t be today.
Poe’s eyes glinted, then went milky as if she were having a vision. I forced myself to take a few bites of my breakfast and a sip of coffee before she came back to me. “Your future is blocked from me right now. I’m not sure what happened the other night, but Fate doesn’t want me to know. I am going to consult the cards later. Do you want to know what I find out, or would you prefer to wait?”
Poe finally dug into her own plate. I didn’t deserve a friend like her. I mean, who had friends that just stopped by and made you breakfast because they needed to talk? Poe did. Cooking was her love language. But that she hadn’t judged me for killing someone, then prostrating myself to Vada the first time we met was next level. She’d definitely help me bury the bodies.
“You know I’m always interested in what Fate has in store for me. I wouldn’t have worked so hard to get thePaxwhere it’s at had I not known that I was destined to build a new life. And I’m so thankful for that,” I said, finishing off my plate in record time, then getting up to wash the dishes.
Poe smirked, “Yeah, but now that you know for sure you didn’t get laid last night, what are you going to do about it?”
Just then, I remembered that Vada sent a text yesterdaybefore I fell asleep. “Shit.” Grabbing my phone to text her back, I told Poe, “I’m actually not quite sure. I can’t stop thinking about her, and you know me well enough to know that it takes a lot for me to be attracted to anyone. She texted me yesterday right as I was falling asleep, and I never got back to her.”
I was getting irritated at my recent bout of clumsiness. My world tilted on its axis over the last few days, and I couldn’t pinpoint anything specific that might’ve changed. This started before I’d met Vada, so it couldn’t be her.
“Well, if you’re thinking about her as much as you are, you should try to pursue something with her. It’s at least worth a shot. Offer to show her around the city. Take the day off if she’s not doing anything. When was the last time you took time for yourself? You’re often working seven days a week, and we’ve lived next door to each other for close to sixty years at this point. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you bring a long-term partner back here,” Poe chastised me. She did it regularly, and it was because she cared, but I was tired of it.
I sighed, throwing my plate into the soapy water, then bent over and banged my head lightly against the counter, “Ugh, Poe, I wouldn’t even know what to do. I’m so scared of relationships after the last one ended so poorly. It’s been so long since I’ve even tried dating someone. I go for casual situationships because it’s the only thing that’s keeping my magic contained. I’m getting ahead of myself, too. What if she’s not interested in me?”
Poe’s intense stare bored into me, pointing her fork in my direction. “And that, bitch, is why you need to start putting yourself out there. After Sa?—”
“Don’t even say her name,” I cut her off, glaring.
She rolled her eyes. “After the two of you split, you were completely broken. But, babe, that was over 100 years ago. You built a life for yourself. One that has been largely successful.You’re living your dream. You have a beautiful house, literally helped rebuild a city and a community, and you have a support network who would do almost anything you asked if you said the word. Yet, you don’t. You struggle alone. You grieve alone. You don’t show your emotions to anyone, and you keep your cards close to your chest. You’re going to have to let someone in at some point. Don’t you want to share your life with someone who can help you ease that burden even a little?”
I laid my head against the counter and took deep breaths in and out for a couple minutes. I did. It was all I ever wanted. Something I’d learned about myself over the years was that I liked things a particular way. I liked that I didn’t have to answer to anyone, and that I didn’t have to make decisions for more than just me. I did that enough with thePax. I often felt entirely too selfish and driven by responsibilities that left no room for others in my life. My life was full. I was mostly happy. But I was lonely, too, and no amount of casual hookups would change that.
I sighed, raising my head off the counter to face Poe, “I think if I were to find my fated, I would be driven to maybe try getting to know them. I’ve been alive for nearly 600 years now, and I haven’t found my person. I don’t even know if they exist. I always hear that there will be signs, but I’ve not come across any yet. Vada may be just another notch in my bedpost. I’msotired of not feeling like I can connect with anyone. I want something that is easy and right. I don’t want to have to make concessions until I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t try. Why don’t you text her back and see where things go from there?” she asked.
I dried my hands off, staring at my phone and the text she sent to me yesterday.
Unknown:
Hey, is this Adaela? You left your number at my place this morning. IDK if you remember me from last night, but this is Vada.
Me:
Hey, Vada. Sorry for the delay. I wound up sleeping for about 15 hours last night. Thank you for taking care of me the other night. I don’t usually require saving.
I finished my text and immediately tossed my phone at the couch across the room. Pacing through the kitchen, I started to feel anxious suddenly. I tried to tell myself that she texted me last night. She made the first move. This could just be a formality to make sure I made it home okay, but maybe she wanted to talk about her potential role with thePax? What if she was just trying to navigate a new world for her and was trying to make friends? I was spiraling, and I lasered in on my shadows pooling at my feet.
“Adaela, stop!” I heard Poe as she came back into focus. “You have to stop worrying about this. Worrying is not going to do you any good. Let things happen naturally. If it happens, it happens,” she said.
As always, Poe was right. It was doing me no good to fret over being romantically interested in someone for the first time in decades. Everything was fine.Right.
