That makes me pull the phone away from my ear to check that I’m not imagining things. It is my ex-boyfriend, Adam, on the line, actually apologising to me. Which might be a first.
God damn it. Now I’m curious. “What is it?”
“There’s something really wrong, and I don’t know what to do.”
OK, he actually sounds kinda scared. “What kind of wrong? Go slow, OK?”
“Yeah. Right. It’s just. I don’t know if I should say or if you could just take a look. I don’t think you’ll believe me if I told you.”
“Well you’ll have to try me if you don’t want me to hang up right this second. I’m going on a date tonight, and he’ll be here any moment.” So that’s a bit of a lie. Adam doesn’t need to know that.
“Aww, Jen. Don’t be like that. Please?”
Despite myself, my heart gives a little squeeze. “Fine. What’s happened? Have you got something stuck up your ass and you don’t want to go to emergency? Have you convinced yourself you have syphilis again?”
“No, it’s really bad this time, Jen. I think… I think I died.”
“What? Adam, how much have you had to drink?”
“See? I knew you wouldn’t believe me. Aw this is stupid—” There’s a rustle, and I think he’s about to hang up.
Dead curious despite everything, I yell, “Wait! Say that again. Just in case I’m imagining.”
There’s a pause. “I think I died.”
I shake my head. This is too good to be true. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Only he appears to still be talking, breathing, and bothering me, so I may have to retract the toogood to be true part. I sigh. “Look, you’re talking, so I’d say that’s a pretty good indication that you’re not dead. Glad I could help clear that up.”
“No, Jen, wait. Can I just come over? Would you just check my pulse and tell me I’m crazy or something? Then I promise I’ll leave you alone. Please?”
Since there’s still no message from my so-called date, I guess I don’t have anything better to do. “Fine. You get five minutes. But only because I really like your sister and I don’t want her to have to drive from the other side of the country to deal with your bullshit.”
“Thanks, Jen. You’re the best. I’ll be right over.”
I don’t ask how he knows my new address. One of our mutuals probably told him, and I should be more mad about that except I’ve never kept it much of a secret. Up until now I haven’t really had to worry about Adam trying to bother me. He was the one who broke up with me after all.
I send one final message to Frank, just to make things clear:don’t bother messaging me back if you get this tomorrow. I don’t do second chances.
Five minutes later there’s a knock on my door, and I drop my phone onto my bed and hurry to answer it.
Adam’s face is gray and there are dark circles under his eyes that I’ve never seen before. He glances back over his shoulder in a way that makes me edgy, so I grab him and pull him in, slamming the door shut behind him. “What the fuck is this really all about, Adam?” I mean he can’t honestly be dead, can he?
“I don’t know. It’s a long story. Can I sit?” He walks over to my brand-new sofa without waiting for an answer and drops onto it like he owns it. My nails dig into my palms as I struggle to keep calm.
“Why don’t you explain to me where you got the idea that you are dead, and then I can clear it up and you can be on your way.”
He laughs, but it’s so hollow sounding I cringe. “Ha! Yeah. Good plan.”
Adam leans forward and rests his head in his hands. I wait impatiently for him to begin.
“So I went on this bad date a few weeks ago. She was a total witch.”
I roll my eyes. “Can you skip to the end? I have things to do.”
I don’t apparently, but he doesn’t need to know that.
He looks up at me. “No. This bit’s important. Because I’m telling you this lady was awitch. I think she cursed me.”
“Oh! You meant an actual witch. I thought you were just being a jerk. Go on.”
