“You…” I poked the center of his firm chest, noticing a difference in texture. I dragged my finger to the side, parting the deep V of his shirt to see what I touched. A very faint, jagged scar dragged across one of his pecks. I didn’t notice this at Bandthral. I was so determined not to look at him too much, but for some reason, my mind decided to give him scars. Thedetailsthese drugs could conjure up in my head were miraculous.
Drustan trapped my hand before I could tug it away. I leaned into him instead, remembering to finish my train of thought, “…should take your pants off.”
Drustan grinned as his gaze became hooded. I stared at him, waiting.
“I enjoy you like this,” he murmured. “Completely hopeless for me.”
I frowned, noting how his pants stayed very much on. This fantasy wasnotgoing how I wanted. What the hell was the point of hallucinating a huge, sexy siren sneaking into my bedroom if he wasn’t going to go down on me even a little bit?
“Okay,” I grumbled, time to take care of things myself.
“Vanessa, I can’t know if it’s safe for us to—” I interrupted him by tugging my hands out of his grip and grabbing the bottom of my tank. In one swift movement, I pulled it off.
“Fuck,” Drustan breathed as his gaze bounced between my face and chest. He leaned over from his seat on my bed, resting his elbows on his thighs, muttering something that sounded a lot like curses. “I don’t know if what the halfling gave you is entirelysafe for humans, Van. Increasing your heart rate more could…”Blah, blah, blah,who cares?
I stared at Drustan, hyper-focused on the large, beautiful man. My thoughts started racing faster than I could truly process them.
He…doesn’t want me. Which, logically, was fine.But he doesn’t want me.
I wanted him, for reasons that were none of my business. But I was being rejected by my own fuckinghallucination. What was happening right now? The light and airy feelings were slowly fading from me. Creeping in around the edges of my consciousness, rejection and pain were starting to ooze into my chest. My pictures on the wall danced less. The patterns on my ceiling stilled.
My heart was racing, and my face burned with humiliation.
He doesn’t want me.
He’s rejecting me.
He doesn’t want me.
He’s rejecting me.
I couldn’t escape these thoughts. They kept playing on a loop. Over and over again.
I watched Drustan lower his hand and lift his head to stare at me, horror starting to wash over his features. I gripped the roots of my hair, pulling hard. I wanted to feel anything,anythingelse beyond this ice-cold rock forming in my stomach.
These drugs fuckingsucked.
“No, no, no.” I dropped to my side, facing away from my hallucination, tucking my legs up toward my chest as I tried to fold the pain away. “No, no, no.”
“Vanessa.” The mattress dipped behind me, his warm words blanketed my ear, “You know that I want you.” My body didn’t believe him. My mind didn’t believe him. I shook my head;my breath became shorter and shorter under the weight of my panic.
He’s rejecting me.
“I’m not. You’remine, Vanessa.” Right—his mind-reading and stuff.
I shook my head again. This isn’t how I wanted this to go. I wanted him towantme, toneedme. I wanted tofeelwanted. When was the last time I wastruly, passionately wanted? Why was my brain attacking me like this? I felt unstable enough with a sober mind. My world was turned upside down, and I was just barely starting to fill the large canyon that formed between my best friend and me.
My brain formed Drustan when I drank this hallucinogen. Not Drew, who also wouldn’t just fuck me already. My subconscious clearly formed Drustan because I had a better chance, but I was wrong. I just needed to get Drustan out of my system. I needed to play out the fantasy of being with him. But I couldn’t. Because my brain felt like it was working against me and plucking at weaknesses that I didn’t even know I had.
I had never cried over a man in my adult life. So why the hell was my heart being ripped apart? Why were silent tears streaking down my face? Why did Iwanthim? Why did I need him to want mesobadly?
I smacked myself on the forehead, desperate to get a grip and escape this horrible high.
“Vanessa!” Drustan growled. He roughly grabbed my shoulders and slammed me onto my back. His body blanketed over mine, his golden glare inches from my face. He smelled too good. His weight felt like a breath of air in my lungs. His dark red hair draped over the side of us like a curtain, blocking the window from view. “Fine, fine. Just breathe, my song.”
I gasped for frantic breath, desperate to cooperate, but looking at his face, the face of someone who wouldn’t rip myclothes off and fuck my brains out, made something crack in my chest.
I squeezed my eyes closed. I slapped my hand over my mouth, desperate to cover the sob that wanted to escape.
