“Laugh all you want to, it works,” Teresa says. “Flash feels allBorn Freeand I have the security of knowing that he’s not going to run off on me like every other man I’ve let into my life.”
“Is that true?” Flo asks. “Has every man you’ve let in your life run off?”
“Well, maybe I’ve chased them off.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Just beating them to the punch, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know that eventually they’ll realize…they’ll find out things about me that they don’t like.” She looks down into her lap.
“What things?”
“Just…things.”
“So, fear?” Flo says.
“No. Not really fear.”
“Discomfort with commitment?”
“No, I don’t think it’s that, either.”
“Maybe fear of happiness? I’ve met some people, seems like they think they don’tdeservehappiness. I never did understand that. But is that you, Teresa?”
“My goodness, Flo! I’m going to have to get you a shingle to hang outside!”
“Oh, I know. I guess some might say I’m a busybody. I’m sorry if I offended you. Let’s us change the subject.”
“No, we don’t have to do that. It’s just that some things are kind of embarrassing to admit. I don’t think I’m ever going to have the kind of relationship you’re talking about. Things just don’t work out for me. But I really like talking to you, Flo. You seem like someone I might say anything to.”
“You’re right.”
A weighty silence descends, and then Teresa speaks quietly. “I used to think a lot about suicide.”
Flo cups a hand to one ear. “About…?”
“Suicide.”
Flo sits up straighter in her chair. “Oh, my.”
“I’m not like that anymore,” Teresa says.
“But you say you used to be?” Flo can hardly stand it. She wants to run over and embrace Teresa, toshakeher, but she knows better than to do that. Let the woman talk.
Teresa sighs. “I’ve never told anyone this before, but when I was a freshman in college—this would be more thanthirty years ago—I had a relationship fall apart. I’d been sosureof us. But he just abruptly broke up with me and I couldn’t seem to get over it. My whole worldview changed. One night when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, I got a bunch of aspirin and thought I’d…But then”—she looks over at Flo and laughs—“this will make it sound like I wasn’t really serious. What I ended up doing was buying a pizza and eating the whole thing. And after that, things started to get better. Never underestimate the power of pepperoni.
“I think it’s just that from the time I was a little girl, I was oversensitive to everything—Ifelteverything too much. By the time I was a teenager, I was sure I knew what life was all about and I figured it would only get worse. Then when I met what I thought was my true love, everything changed. The possibilities! The…unionof us! The protection, the joy that the idea of all that brought! But then it fell apart, so easily, and I thought, Well, there you go. So much for trusting in love.
“But I feel now that it’s beautiful to be alive. I’ve felt that way for a long time. I’mokayalone! I’m at peace with it. But that’s enough about me. Tell me howyou’redoing. What haveyoubeen thinking about?”
What Flo wants to say is that she’s been sitting here listening to Teresa and thinking that she is such a fine person, so deserving of so much more. But Teresa has signaled that she’s had enough of talking about herself, at least for now, and so Flo turns the attention to herself. She says, “Well, I’ve been thinking I ought to pick out something nice to be laid out in.”
“Oh?”
Flo straightens her glasses on her face and looks over at Teresa. “My friend Pris once invited me to her independent living place. Her name is Priscilla, but we all called her Pris from an early age because shewasa prissy kind, always walking around with her nose in the air, stepping over mud puddles with a look of horror on her face, washing her hands rather than licking the frosting off them like the rest of us did.
