“Why would he be pissed?” I ask bitterly. “He got exactly what he wanted.”
“Because now he’ll never know if he truly earned it or if he only got picked for the job because you thought you were too good for it.” Noelle’s gaze falls to her feet. Her voice is barely more than a whisper. I’m not sure we’re talking about Doug’s promotion anymore.
“Noelle,” I say gently, “I’m not too good for anything. That had nothing to do with it.”
“What was it, then?” she asks, meeting my eyes, as if she’s daring me to answer.
“It just didn’t feel right. That’s all.” It would have been easier if I had felt something—anything—when we kissed. Being with Noelle was a safe option. We were alike. It was allowed. But kissing her made me feel powerless, as if I’d given up on the idea of wanting anything else. Same as I would have felt if I had joined Chronos’s Guard. Any dorm that has a need for guards is really just a prison. And after the Termination I witnessed yesterday, I’d rather eat Chronos’s patch than swear fealty to it. “I’m happy for you and Doug. Seriously. But I’m not cut out for the Guard. After what I saw in Gaia’s office...” The memory of those girls turns my mouth to ash. “I could never do it.”
Her head snaps up. “I wasn’t the one who took a scythe to those girls.”
“No, you stood by and watched.”
The light dims in her eyes, as if some bit of magic just died in her.
“Sorry. I was out of line. Forget I said anything.” I jam my hands into the pocket of my hoodie and veer around her, back toward my room. The longer I stay here, the worse this conversation goes. And I’m not any closer to figuring out how to get through the Crux.
“Jack, wait.” She makes a clumsy grab for my sweatshirt andaccidentally yanks back my hood. I turn slowly to face her. Her mouth falls open, and I rake my hair from my eyes as she gets a good look at my bruises. “I’m sorry.” She swallows hard. My face must look even worse in the dark, and I feel more like a jerk for making her feel guilty about it. It’s not her fault Doug’s an asshole. She reaches for me. “I swear, Jack, if I had known they’d put you through Reconditioning, too, I never would have reported what I saw on those surveillance feeds.”
The words are slow to sink in. Suddenly, it feels like I’m staring at a stranger.
“It was you?” Her hand’s still hot from the flame and I shake it off. “You were the one who reported us to Doug?” Had she been at his side as he dealt out Fleur’s punishment? Had she stood by and watched that too?
I wait for her to rattle off some lame excuse. To insist it was her job. That she wasn’t spying on us. That she found the feeds by accident.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
“Don’t be.” My voice is so cold, I hardly recognize it. “You weren’t the one who threw the punches, right?”
She reels as if I’ve struck her. “Don’t you dare put this back on me. You’re the one who broke the rules! If you were summoned to Gaia’s office for falling for a Spring, it’s your own damn fault!”
“I wasn’t punished in Gaia’s office! And I didn’t get these bruises because of Fleur.” I turn my back on her before I say something I’ll regret. I should go back to my room. Take a shower and clear my head. It was stupid to come here anyway.
“Jack! Don’t leave,” she calls after me. “Why are you sneaking around in the dark?”
“I’m not sneaking around.”
“Then show me your pass.”
“Don’t have one,” I snap. She sounds too much like a Guard. Nothing like my friend.
“Then tell me who you were going to see.”
“Why? So you can report me?”
“So I can take you!”
My feet still.
“Jack, please,” she says. “I’m sorry. How many times are you going to make me say it?”
Her guilt cuts through my thoughts like a pick through a lock. I turn, taking a few cautious steps toward her. She’s given me an opening. All I have to do is bend the truth and push a little.
“I was going to see Professor Lyon,” I school the urgency from my face. “He’s helping me with a research project. I was supposed to meet him in the Hall of Records ten minutes ago, but I lost my pass.”
Noelle bites her lip. She glances behind her into the Crux. “Fine. But after this, we’re even.” She waves her security pass in front of the scanner. I run back through the corridor in time to dart through the gate behind her. The Crux is at least ten degrees warmer than the Winter wing, and a layer of rime forms on my skin before we reach the elevator. I drag my hood over my head as a security camera swings slowly toward us.
From the far side of the circular hall comes the tread of boots. Frost blooms under my hood as I recognize Doug’s gruff baritone and Denver’s laugh. Noelle swears under her breath. The elevator doors slide open just as they round the corner, and she shoves me inside.
