But maybe he’s not a very good guy right now.
You hope someday he’ll forgive you. That you can be friends again.
And you hope he’ll be better. Not just for your sake, or Farshid’s sake, or anyone else’s sake, but for Brody’s own. You don’t know how to explain any of that to him, though, not when he’s not willing to listen. Not when he’s going back inside and closing the door in your face. On your friendship.
You almost want to cry. This isn’t how things were supposed to go.
This isn’t how your first year of high school was meant to turn out.
But it is what it is.
If you could go back to Tuesday, when you found him andReggie, you’d try harder. You’d beg or plead or do anything to get him to stop. But if he didn’t, if you faced the same choice… you’d do it all again.
You want to be the kind of guy who does the right thing.
And for the first time in a long while, you’re pretty sure you are.
28FARSHID
“You’ll never believe who got back together,” Nour whispers in your ear as you look over the cookie tray. You waffle for a good thirty seconds before settling on a snickerdoodle, truly an S-tier cookie.
You still pick the smallest one you can find, but, well. You only had your first therapy appointment yesterday. You’re not supposed to change overnight, just make small steps toward getting…
Betterfeels like a loaded word, but maybe it’s right. Maybe you are getting better.
Your parents were surprisingly supportive about the whole therapy thing. Maybe they’ve become more Americanized than you realized, or maybe Coach Nico did a better job explaining things to them than you did, or maybe your mom was biting her tongue the whole time to hold in anI told you so!
You didn’t get how worried she was about you.
You haven’t told anyone at school about it, though, not even Nour or Cooper. Not because it’s a secret, not because you’re ashamed, but because you’re simply not ready to share yet. It feels like you’ve had to share so much of yourself lately, sometimes with complete strangers, even if they are well-meaning professionals, so you want to hold on to this for yourself, for a little while at least.
“Who?” you ask around a mouthful of cinnamon and sugar.
“June and Marie!”
“Oh.” June and Marie have broken up and gotten back together almost as many times as they’ve both dyed their hair this year. Right now June’s is bubblegum pink and Marie’s is purple, but her brown roots are showing. “Good for them.”
Nour rolls her eyes. Ever since you came out to her (if her finding out about what was scrawled on your locker and you shrugging counts as coming out), she’s been even more disappointed in you not caring about gossip.
“What’s the point of a gay best friend if you don’t give me any tea?”
You raise your eyebrows.
“Metaphorically,” she says, raising her cup of literal tea that you provided her.
“Can’t I just be your regular best friend?”
She gives you a shove, but you don’t move. You’re still working out, though Coach Nico made you promise to stick to only one workout a day, plus two rest days a week, and he said he told the front desk at the gym to not let you in if you showed up too often. You don’t know if he actually did, but you’re not going to test him.
You don’t want to test him.
And also, not waking up at five in the morning every day has actually been really nice.
You and Nour hover in the corner, Nour filling you in on the rest of the gossip she’s been holding on to. She refused to share any of it over text during spring break, so now there’s a backlog. Younod along and keep an eye on the door as the rest of RC slowly files in, grabbing cookies and napkins and greeting friends they haven’t seen yet today.
You give Hope a little nod and smile when she enters. You thought she might be mad at you, given the whole rejection thing, but when you told her the real reason you didn’t want to go out with her, she thanked you for being honest and told you she’d support you.
Nour is halfway through a story about a senior prank gone wrong when you spot Cooper at the door, hovering in the hall, talking to someone. Things have been weird between you two ever since you asked him out and he turned you down. Not bad, but weird, and you know it’s your fault, because you like him as a friend, and you alsolikelike him, and you don’t know how to not like him like that, but that’s not his problem to deal with, it’s yours. You don’t want to lose him as a friend, but you don’t know how to not hurt every time he smiles at you.
