When the silence between us became unbearable, I stepped inside and closed the door.
Landon’s shoulders slumped. “I kind of messed up, huh.”
“I don’t know. Maybe we both did.”
“I’m sorry I left you at the dance.”
“Not as sorry as my grandmother was when she had to get out of the house at ten p.m.”
Landon grimaced.
“I’m sorry I kept pressuring you. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted us to be close. Physically.”
“I know. I’m sorry too. I wasn’t good at being honest with you about what I wanted.”
“I never meant to hurt you. It’s just...” He sighed. “I love you. I should have said it sooner. And sometimes it feels like you don’t love me back.”
“I...”
Did I love Landon?
I wasn’t sure I knew what that meant.
It didn’t feel like it did with my family. Where I knew that no matter what, they were part of my life forever, in my veins and in my heart.
And it didn’t feel like Sohrab either, who felt like the kind of person I could count on for anything. Who knew me inside and out. Who accepted all my flaws and still made me wish I could be better.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
Landon let out a low breath and sank into a chair.
Now I knew what it was like, when you’re the one who hit a guy in the balls.
“I’m sorry.”
Landon shook his head and wiped at his eyes.
My own were weirdly dry.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Landon sniffed.
“Well. I better finish up.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
I let myself out of the tasting room and slipped out of the store. Unlocked my bike and headed for the bus stop.
I wondered why I wasn’t more upset. If it was because I was depressed. Or because of my medication. Or because deep down I was still mad at how Landon had treated me.
No one had ever made me feel as small as he had that day. Not even Trent Bolger.
But no one had ever made me feel beautiful before either. Not until Landon. No one ever held my hand or kissed me or smiled the way he smiled when he saw me. No one ever came and made soup for my sick sister, or held me tight until our breaths synced up and I could just lie there, with my mind turned off, enjoying the way it felt to have a warm body curled up next to me, happy and content.
I made it all the way to the back of the bus before I started crying.
HOLDING HIM UP
