He cleared his throat.
“Being your dad is my first, best destiny.”
It wasn’t true.
How could he say that?
“Remember those stories you used to tell me?”
I sniffled.
“Remember? When I was little?”
“Of course.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “I loved putting you to bed.”
“Then why did you stop, if you loved it so much?”
Dad bit his lip. “You remember that?”
“I remember.”
Dad sighed and folded himself back down to sit on the ledgeof the roof. He glanced up at me but didn’t hold my eyes—just patted the spot beside him.
I sat down, but farther away from him.
Dad looked up, like he was going to speak, but then looked at his hands and swallowed. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, up and down.
“You’re wrong. I want you to feel things, Darius. But I’m scared for you. You have no idea how scared. I take my eyes off you one moment and if it’s the wrong moment, you could be drowning in depression, bad enough to... to do something. And I can’t protect you from that. No matter how hard I try.”
“I’m not going to hurt myself, Dad.”
“I nearly did.”
All the atmosphere on the rooftop fled, blown away by Dad’s explosive admission.
“You... what?”
“When you were seven. My meds weren’t doing their job. And I got to thinking about how you and your mother would be better off without me.”
“Oh.”
“I got so bad, I was thinking about it. All the time. Dr. Howell put me on a pretty strong tranquilizer.”
“Um.”
“It made me into a zombie. That’s why I couldn’t tell you stories. I could barely tell the time of day.”
I didn’t know.
“I lost myself for a long time, Darius. I didn’t like who I became on those pills, but they saved my life. They kept me here. For you. And your mom. And by the time I was doingbetter and Dr. Howell tapered me off, your sister was born and I just... things were different. She was a baby, and she needed me. And I didn’t know if you even wanted stories anymore. If you were ever going to forgive me.”
“Dad...”
“Suicide isn’t the only way you can lose someone to depression.”
Dad looked up at me again. There were no walls between us.
“And it kills me that I gave it to you, Darius. It kills me.”
