“You singing your own version of ‘Wedding Bell Blues’?”
“Colin, I do want to marry him. But Jesus! Every time he brings it up, it’s like a six-foot-long icicle shoots right through my chest.”
“Jeff, youknowwhat this is!”
Jeff nodded but gave no reply.
“And you know—youknow—what Adam would say if he were standing here. I sure as hell know! And you also know that what you did to free Adam from his suffering was therightthing to do! Thelovingthing to do. So, what the hell is your problem?”
Jeff exhaled sharply, his fingers clenching around the edge of the table.“I—” He shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Colin raised an eyebrow. “Try again.”
Jeff swallowed hard. “What if … Jesus, Colin, what if I marry Trent and it ends the same way?”
For a long time, Colin stared into his drink without speaking. Then, with a sharp inhale, he looked up and met Jeff’s eyes.
“I was in love with Josh almost from the moment we met. Head over heels. Needed him like I needed air. And still—every goddamnDAY—”His fist slammed down on the table with a sudden, explosive crack,making Jeff flinch. “—I punished that sweet, beautiful soul with silence. With distance. With rejection so cold it should’ve shattered him.”
He leaned in, voice rough. “I broke his heart every chance I got. And do you knowwhy? Because my sister took her own life. And I was terrified—terrified—that loving someone—or worse, letting someone loveme—meant it would end the same way for them.”
Jeff stared at him, his hands curling into fists. His chest felt tight. He had no words—not yet.
Because he knew exactly what Colin meant.
Because for the first time, it wasn’t logic or bravado or courtroom fire.
It was soul-deep honesty from a man who almost never exposed this much of his inner anguish.
“Josh has told you ten thousand times that your fear is a natural, predictable reaction to what you went through, just as it was forme! But there are therapists at Rainier who can help you movepastthose fears if you’ll stop being a stubborn jackass andlet them help you!”
“You’re right. I had grief therapy before, and I know it helped. I’ll call my therapist and set up an appointment.”
Colin leaned toward him and laid a hand on his arm. “Look, buddy. You really need to be talking to my husband about all this. Because if there’s anyone who could help you untangle the mess in your head, it’s him. But I can tell you what I think he’d say: He’d say that marrying Trent is choosing to finally let go of the past and accept the fact that you actuallydodeserve happiness.” He leaned back and picked up his stout. “And this is whatIhave to say: You can keep sayingnoor, worse yet, sayingnothing,every time Trent mentions marriage. And every time you do, you’ll come one step closer to losing him,too! Is that what you want?”
“God, no!”
“Then you’d better sack up and give the man an answer.”
Jeff’s stomach twisted, a deep, aching pressure settling in his chest. He swallowed, but his throat felt tight. Colin was right, and Jeff knew it. He’d known it for a long time. But the truth of it—the inevitability of it—felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down at a leap he wasn’t sure he could make.
“It’s not just Trent, you know,” Colin added, his voice growing suddenly soft. “Your refusal to even discuss it is hurtingSophie, and you know how Trent feels about that girl. He won’t tolerate it for long. If you don’t make a decision—and make it damnedsoon—you’ll be left with two big handfuls of regret and nothing else.”
“Colin, you know how I feel about Sophie.”
“Then you’d better start acting like it, or you’re going to lose themboth!” He gripped Jeff’s wrist. “Listen to me. Marrying Trent doesn’t erase Adam! It honors the life you still have left to live. Which is exactly what Adam wanted you to do.” He leaned toward Jeff, his grip on Jeff’s wrist growing tighter. “I told Josh the other night that Adam might be your…Colin. Because I’m not sure JoshorI could ever be happy with anyone else. But, man Jeff… I want so much to bewrong! You and Trent deserve happiness, and I want you to have it.”
Jeff’s hand moved to cover Colin’s as it rested on his arm. “You’re a damned good friend,” he told Colin in a choked-off whisper. “Thank you.”
“Jeff, can you imagine my life if Josh wasn’t in it?”
“I can. And it’s a pretty ugly picture.”
“Yeah, well, don’t let it turn into a self-portrait.”
Jeff enteredhis apartment that afternoon, feeling a deepening sense of peace welling in his heart. He had barely had time to close the door when he felt two arms wind around his waist.
“Hi, Pops!”
