With all of the folks at home.
Joshua shook his head, and his expression darkened. Psychologists like himself called the condition ‘compassion fatigue,’ but for Joshua, it was more. It was a blade in his heart. A constant fear that his beloved husband would succumb to the insidious effects of the secondary trauma to which he was constantly exposed.
He knew burnout was a risk factor for anyone, no matter their profession. However, his studies showed that those working in prosecutor's offices are particularly susceptible to secondary trauma, a condition that affects professionals who regularly deal with the trauma and pain of others. And as much as Colin hated to acknowledge any limitations, he could not guarantee victory as he sought justice for the pain of their experience. Sometimes, justice demanded compromise. Sometimes, it demanded outright surrender. And sometimes, it justlost. And at those times, Colin grieved.
“Ireland will help,” Joshua thought, then he lifted his head and smiled as Colin rejoined him on the couch. “Baby, maybe we should set up a few sessions with Deena,” Joshua suggested, referring to their therapist, Doctor Deena Mallory, whom they had been seeing for years.
“You worried about something?” Colin asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Just the usual stuff.”
“I’m never sure what that might be,” Colin said with a soft smile. “You worry about so much. How about narrowing it down for me.”
Joshua pressed his lips together. “I worry about the stress you’ve been under at work. You’ve had some tough cases to deal with lately.”
“Why are we always working onme?” Colin asked, flashing his dimples in a quick grin. “Don’tyousuffer from compassion fatigue, too?”
“I work in an office with fifteen other psychologists,” Joshua told him. “And we arerequiredto have regular counseling sessions with other trauma therapists specifically to deal with that issue.”
“I had a defense attorney tell me once: ‘Stop caring, Colin’.”
“Problem with that strategy is that you can’t compartmentalize it. If you stop caring about your clients, you’ll also stop caring about me—and your mother, my mother, David and Nate, and eventually, yourself.” He screwed his face into a comical grimace and shrugged. “Annoying how that stuff works.”
“Can’t you simply give me a pill that’ll blot out all that crap?” Colin leaned back against the couch and sighed. “And, yes. I’ll go see Deena if you think it’ll help.”
“I know it’ll help, and as far as the pill goes, I’m sure someone somewhere is working on one.”
Colin blew out a breath. “We should have stayed on the boat,” he muttered. “We could have sailed up and down the inside passage over and over again, like we were in some kind of Star Trek time warp.” He shot Joshua a sideways glance. “No compassion fatigue there!”
“You love being a prosecutor,” Joshua said, gripping Colin’s arm. “You love the law. You love serving justice. You’re not one of those indifferent prosecutors who doesn’t give a damn… who’s given up… who’s taken that defense attorney’s advice and just stopped caring! That’s not you, Colin. You’ll always care.”
“I feel a ‘but’ coming.”
Joshua arched his brows and nodded. “Butthat kind of caring comes at a cost for people in your profession.”
For a long moment, Colin was silent. He stared into their unlit fireplace, seemingly lost in thought. “I remember the old-growth forest in Ketchikan,” he murmured at last. “I remember the harmony and balance that seemed to permeate that whole experience.” He turned to face his husband. “The perfect example for Charlottesville’s most fucked up prosecutor.”
“My darling, you’re not fucked up. You are a brilliant and dedicated prosecutor. And more than that, you’re a man of decency and compassion. The law needs men like you, and justice needs men like you. But there are certain…consequencesto the kind of work you do, and we’re not going to pretend they don’t exist.”
Colin smiled and touched Joshua’s cheek. “As long as we’re together…”
Joshua pressed Colin’s hand against his face. “I love my profession,” he said finally. “I love living in Charlottesville. I love my life, and I love my family. But, Colin, all of that is secondary to the one unshakable truth of my being. My entire existence—is dedicated to my love for you and my commitment to the life we share. My only reason for living is to love you and be here for you. To support your goals, your dreams, and your hopes. That is why I exist.” He kissed his husband, then kissed him again. “I’ll always be here, myYedid.”
“As I will for you,a stór mo chroí.” He nuzzled against Joshua’s cheek, then smiled and leaned back. “All those fancy psychologists down at your office, and I’m not curedyet?”
“Darlin’, you’re notseeingsomeone from my office.”
“Well, sign me up!”
Joshua laughed and gave Colin’s shoulder a gentle shove. “We’re seeing the right therapist. All the shrinks at my office are scared to death of you. Deena’s not. She’ll kick your ass if you get out of line with her.”
“Don’t Iknowit.”
A knock sounded at the door, and Colin leaped to his feet. “Food’s here!”
“You grab it! I’ll set the table.”
Colin stroked Joshua’s hair as he stood, then moved to answer the door as Joshua got to his feet and wandered to the kitchen. As he set the table, he could hear Colin laughing with the delivery boy, teasing him about his beloved dipping sauce. “God,” Joshua thought. “I wish I could carry some of the emotional weight he bears.”
