“Close enough,” Colin said. He wound one arm around Nate’s neck and half-dragged him down the street. “C’mon, rabble-rouser. There has to be at leastonegay bar in Greenwich Village! Where the hellisit?!”
Nate jabbed Colin with an elbow. “Whistle!”
“What?”
“Whistle!” Nate repeated, pointing. “I want that cab!”
Colin blew a loud whistle, and the cab halted a short distance away.
“Forty-first and Ninth!” Nate instructed as they clambered into the vehicle.
“You guys headed for Pieces?” the cabbie asked.
“We sure as hell are,” Nate replied, grinning.
* * *
It wasafter midnight by the time they returned to Nate’s apartment. They had all consumed copious amounts of alcohol, and Joshua was eager to transform Nate’s couch into a bed and crawl beneath the covers. He awoke sometime later to discover that Colin was no longer beside him. He leaned on one elbow to look around and caught the murmur of voices coming from Nate’s bedroom, low but loud enough for Joshua to hear.
“How is hereally, Colin?” Nate asked. “Does he still have symptoms from the concussion?”
“He gets a dizzy spell now and then,” Colin replied. “And that worries me. But for the most part, he seems OK.”
“That has to make you happy, Irish. I know how much you suffered.”
“He’sthe one who suffered, Nate.”
“No, Colin. It wasn’t just Josh who suffered. Seeing him injured and struggling that way was painful foryou. Everyone who knows you saw it. Hell,Joshsaw it!”
There was a long silence, and Joshua held his breath as he listened, feeling a bit like a voyeur. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak, to let them know he was awake, then stopped when Colin spoke again.
“I’mstillsuffering, Nate,” he murmured, and Joshua drew in a quick breath. “I don’t say anything to him. I don’t want him to fret over it. But…” His voice trailed off. “I think,” he said finally, “I think that case, that damned case—what does Josh call it—triggeredme. The nightmares started up again. The panic attacks. I had it under control or thought I did, but they’re back.”
“Oh, Colin,” Nate said in a quiet whisper, and Joshua heard him move on the bed. “Please tell me you’re sharing all this with Deena.”
“Of course I tell Deena,” Colin told him.
“What does she—”
“Whatcanshe say, Nate? She’s my therapist. She says what therapists say! That I’m suffering from PTSD. That it’ll get better. That the therapy will work if I keep at it. I’ve heard it all ten thousand times!”
“Oh god, Colin….”
“I’m sorry, Nate. I guess I had too much stout, and my mouth is running.” He sighed. “It’s hard to live with the fear of losing him. It never goes away. Something as simple as him going to the store scares me senseless. I’m in a panic until he’s home again. Either that or I annoy him half to death by insisting that I go too.”
“Colin, you won’t!You won’t lose Josh!”
For a moment, Colin was silent. “I’d better not,” he murmured finally. “Because Nate…” There was another long silence, and then Colin spoke again, his voice strangled. “I don’t know that I could survive it.” Joshua heard him draw in a long breath.
This is wrong,Joshua thought.I shouldn’t be hearing this.He rustled about on the bed, making noise to suggest he’d just awakened, then rose and walked to Nate’s bedroom.
He and Colin were on the bed, Nate gripping both of Colin’s arms. They turned as he walked in. “And what are you two up to?” Joshua asked, trying to smile.
“Hey baby,” Colin said, reaching for him. “I hope we didn’t wake you.”
“You didn’t,” Joshua said. He sat down beside Colin, who quickly wrapped both arms around him.
Joshua leaned back against his husband’s chest, studying Nate’s expression. It was clear his friend was upset, but Joshua knew Nate would never betray Colin’s confidence. He wished with all his heart that he hadn’t heard their conversation. He felt sickened by Colin’s confession and even more sickened by his choice to listen.God, he has to talk to me about this. I have to find a way to help him.
